Discreet

22.12.2011 time-11.00 pm

I do speak with tongue and i do think with my mind .I don’t know why this line is churning inside my head. I am a lost song. I am a boy who will cry all night and yet face you with a smile the next morning. I am the boy whose heart is too full. I am the river always touching you and not ever making you wet. I am blocked, I am unsought and my life story is underneath wraps. I live second-hand; I live in a parallel reality and anxiety. I write what i feel .I speak truth. I speak the right things but then, they don't matter. I am too lost for my own good and these pages i fill are an attempt to immortalize transience. Seek at your own pace. Sometime i ask myself what word will describe me the best. I can only think of `DISCREET`. Next moment am i really discreet ? or am just a guy who doesn`t know himself better. Who is lost in his own trajectories. I will try to redeem myself. Really. Some people demands a lot. When I don`t speak it means a lot of things are going inside my head. I observe you. I know what you want. I do abjure but i know that`s not what you expect in return. I got my own limitations. How much i may not try i will not fall in those quicksand endeavors. And I don’t want to blame myself for all these. I not afraid to get close to people. i know one day everyone is going to leave me and i will be all alone. Part of me will be a scapegoat for managing and harm did to my other half. I got my own dogma and i need to protect them at any cost. I am too fragile for emotions. Whatever......i don`t wanna play those abysmal tricks

23.12.2011 time-1.00 am
I just resumed my current read Beatrice and Virgil and started playing Janis Jolpin `little girl blue`. I’m inclined to this song. Every time I listen to this track I feel pep. And this book is by Yan Martel, a new book by this awesome writer.i guess last year only he realesed this book. His usage and syllables do demands extols. A good new age contemporary writer. It’s his second book which I am reading, I have read `life of Pi` a long time back like 5 or 6 years , it was really a good read. This book is about a gujarati boy who leaves pondicherry and how adversity of life made him a saviour. How hard days and hard nights shaped him. A book about life, survival and other things .what we become when adversity mock its beck. Anyway I am not here to daub my posting threadbare with a book review. It`s 1.12 am and my room is occupied with many friends and the ecosystem of my room is quite good. It’s a typical scene. I call my room- a pocket edition of dharavai .My roomie sneh is watching some video on laptop ,while kunal is lurking lol. Whatever crap i am writing and he is not even batting his eyelids and he think am not aware of it. And now he his flaunting a evil grin as he is reading me.:P Now everyone have changed their locations. Ayush is groping for some movie on DC++ ,always doing it after he got his new laptop ,he always rummage for movie so that he can vent it on his system. A good bloke from heart and i like talking to him. A guy who always talks about life and inspiration but fails miserably to explain all that to me. So he never cares or dare to fish out such information to me. I just fill his dermal with more confusion. He doesn`t know much. What i like about him is his hunger for knowledge. For all these vary reasons i call him `ROBIN SHARMA~. Sneh is busy fiddling kunal`s ipad (the villager).i don’t know why he named his ipad as `the villager`. And i am still busy typing on my laptop.*changing the track to Indian ocean kya maloom*. I am quite sloshed now and i am feeling good ,how my head is feeling the anomaly of this rum effect .munificence escalating and nullifying all my trouble. I am quite pensive and i can write. I am yawing like anything and still i don`t want to tuck myself inside my bed. My brains cells are working and my imagination is running wild. I am in all moods to write. I don’t know what to pen down though. Writing crap like always. hmmm.okay fine let me write something which i wanted to write from few days back but i could muster up my time, life was juggling me. Time was woozy .Anyway.
*laptop shutdown*
Today a holiday. I woke up like at 7.30 and i devoured b`fast and again slept till 10 am. I didn’t know why my lazy bones were perfectly blending with my skin. I slept. After while i read that book by yan martel. * background song the who`s substitute is blaring from Pluto guitar amplifiers* oh god i am too sleepy now.*slept whole day*
25.12.2011 time-4.15 am i am still awake, i tried hard to sleep but i couldn’t . My head is heavy and the befuddled head of mine is splitting. Morning after at this time lol. Fuck for sure morning after lol
Pre evening 24.12.2010 with amey and vaishali i went to Leopold cafe and bar . i spend some quality time with them. When it comes to friends, more is definitely merrier. When am around i talk a lot but i know how to maintain that aura of enigma about my character. I talk a lot still i say nothing *flaunting my peptie hehe*.Leopold is a cool bar . The ambience was awesome. First song that they were playing when we entered was` follow me` by uncle cracker. Second track was `by the way` from RHCP and i guess after that they played complicated, the cranberries, iris,Robbie willams,led zeppelin,Robbie willams. After that i got no clue what they were playing . i was kinda inebriated by then. I guzzled couple of beer . bam YEAH!!!!!!! we ordered two pitcher and vaishali drank something something *no idea what was it but she finished it fast as far i know* . and ate 80% of the French fries :P. *she was like mein kiya aisa baithya rahoon?*.lol we said u can eat everything ,just leave the ceramic plate. before coming to Leopold ,we went inside a art gallery . The painting were by nazia and archana . i liked one painting which was about vedhei (sita `s other name which was given by one sage). Basket series were also good. One was on womanhood.Rest i don`t remember. And we had to travel a lot by bus and plus some feet muscle exercise too. After that we reached colaba. By 8.30 pm we returned back. Vaishali got us red x-mas caps/hood (i will keep it as a souvenir) i was pretty high by now. i had dinner and i started reading that novel Beatrice and Virgil . i was not feeling sleepy at all.
I got a book from Avhinash . First time in m my life i met someone who is into Jaggi Vasudev . he is from Coimbatore. and he is a votary who devotes his time in seeking the teachings and value of spirituality. I liked talking to him. We had a good chat about karma yog , how to understand body and mind ,life and death.. I was new to him and the word he uttered really enlightened me.even the darkened cell of my brain could feel the effect of his words. But it was hard to focus cause i was drunk. I got some better understanding. i eloped from his room as it was getting late . And it not prig to disturb anyone such hours. He got some books on Buddhism and on jaggi vasudev. I took jaggi vasudev wala book and i read half. Mystic Musing
Seeker`s predicament-
From muses and mystics you did hear ..Seeming to be the sound of phantom –lands.In ignorance`s bind,life like phantom seems
Oh,creature of surface ,the depth of life will seek you ever seek. `~ Sadhguru
From teenage i was drawn to the word `spirituality`,cause i always know some is there which guides us. Our mind,our soul, our body. What make them sync. What are the cogwheels that make them function? experiencing yourself beyond the physical is what we`re referring to as spiritual. When i say spiritual ,don`t think it is going to a temple .Don`t think it is about praying for this or that. If you look at your prayers, ninety –five percent of the prayers in the world are all about either asking for something, fundamentally asking for protection, or for being taken care of. There is nothing spiritual about it, it is plain basic survival. In most people ,the very basis of prayer is fear and insecurity. If prayer exists in your life as act only ,it is obscene, being reverential towards one aspects and not being so to everything else. If you become prayerful, that`s wonderful,and if you`re using an act of prayer towards becoming that quality ,that`s fine.Now if you`re routing your survival through the heavens,that`s very stupid. Even worms and insects take care of their own survival.So when i say spiritual.I am talking about you beginning to experience that which is not physical .Once this spiritual dimension is alive ,once you start experience yourself beyond the limitations of the physical and the mental,only then there`s no such thing as fear .fear is just the creation if an overactive and out-of-control mind. As i read more i came to know about human values. How much of the anxiety comes into our life from relationship. As we live in this world we have to face such complex interactions. We are not exempted from it.
Why there are cliché in all relationship. Because we fail to understand the limitations, the possibilities ,the needs and capabilities of that person. And most of all it’s the Ego. I know i got hell lotta ego. I need to kill that vice from me. so we should enhance the understanding level to such a point that we can look beyond people`s madnesss also. We should`nt make a deal with anyone. Only devil makes a deal with everyone. The most important thing in life is to be happy. It can drive us to infinities. If we don’t sleep or eat less, we can still have endless energies. He talks about the power of yoga. How to activiate inner energies in such a way that our body,mind and emotions function at the highest peak. Yoga and how they are related bhakti yoga,gnana yoga,karma yoga,kriya yoga.
*stopped typing*
Its 2011-12-25 time 08.22 pm i am hungry and i am listening to my fav song `If i could` by lucid recess, and no one is around. I was getting bored and i can`t find anything to put my hands on or maybe nothing is so cajoling and appealing to me. I switched on my laptop and started playing some songs. Errr!!!!!!!! I am still bored. All these while i am been guffawing and kind choked with pangs of irksome. I round up at munna for schezwan to hilt my hunger. Really i was slumped with many guys from other branches at munna. Whishing merry Christmas to everyone. I was getting fuzzy probing and prying these to so many guys. The place demanded it, it had to crystallize some words to them else they will again sobriquet me a lout. I dunno how to say am just a discombulated soul obsessed with weirdest things. I dunno i become easily withered by their talks. Why on earth anyone wants to talk about other people and back bitting. God i tried to jog my head to other things but i can`t. So i left asap.

* i am bored*

a ode to life :)

Under the empty sky I sat introspectively on a stile. Mulling over the reminisce, as i slipped my senses into the black hole of my own delusion. I was busy in picking up the dropped and lost pebbles. Thinking about the relations, I never valued. The strings to which I am attached to. Family, peers, kith and kin. I owe a lot to them. Lets start with care and smile. I parked my train of self-destruction, no more dallying in retrospection. I need to come out of my cocoon, I need to break all the shackles what`s holding my mind. My thoughts intoxicated with venomous filth. I need to get baptized into the river of life..I need to grope for my lost smile. Which I lost somewhere on a rustic area and rugged terrain`s walk of life. Thanks for being a guiding angel and rescuing me. Gratitude for the words thrown, sharp yet deft. Like a Aristotle’s mirth and with your pearl of wisdom you added new paradigms. Keying --How to repose life? Firstly I do refuse to hum along in my old school stubborn way. Later to self, seriously i am not a little boy. i need to reach for my astral marks. I need to fight. Tonight’s unopened buds will remain opened always. I will try to shine. i iwll exalt in my array . I will try focus on my virtues and ward off my vices. I iwll try to discover the virgin spectrum of my life. To life cheers, I will appreciate the wisdom with which you filled the crevices of my head..The filled void, hinge left in the entity with your uttered verbal energy. Proverbial thanks from my threshold winging its way to daub your sky. Your words will play like a grand theatre intro song every morning. Thanks again!!

the nail pricked into me
reading the darkened intensity of my life
deluding in the sea of agony
escapism for the grasp of life
derailed to the downtrodden walk
life`s burlesque tricks
hatred revised
Incised again to the haunts of past
i will not changed
i will not abstain for my evil
i will the not redeem my hate
resolved in my own motherfucking miseries
an eye bleached with deformity
a misanthrope running amok for hate
inherited curse i am brewing everyday
with everyone
can`t fuck the rebel inside of me
i am a psychopath hurrying to destruct
shit i dont wannna live
each day ,torn aggression and a fetid smell of my body
perishing .. i am delirious
i dont wanna breathe..i dont wanna feel
sorrow dangling to my body each seconds
haunting me

too many words are humming inside my head suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck !!

Enamour

An infatuated seer seething inside the hollow me, basking eventually
Fretting my somnolent heart chamber
My fairy lady you are a aphrodisiac craftsmen .
Chiseling my love silhouette ,
foraying my soul to soak deep within you
Mystical cupid`s rage brewing like a erupting magma
Swirling oodles of blooming metaphorical envisage
Cryptic yet so vibrant with wallpaper of life
Your tales and gossip topics and deliverance ,as an oracle
Captivating all my devotion ,feelings
Sweet charms still intact to my eulogy
Eloge unfurling to frame up, giving meaning to the beauty you bestowed.
Myriad evoking thoughts by the clock-tickling acronycal hours
Settling for my restlessness
A reason to look for the crepuscular mouth of moon
Scribbling my night`s canvas with your sweet tales.
Only vision ,bequeathing me batty
Surging dreams and murmuring ,unheard words as i spoke
Oh your pearl of stringing words still make my heart pulse to resonate
The tucks of your hair, expressed galore of infatuation
The aura of your hair is ek dam no 1
I do acknowledge with unspoken words
A noir cabal infusing all the virgin abodes of my untamed heart.
Fly to me and fill my niche
Waiting...................

eat|sleep|complain

Digital clock reads 6.00 am Atreya wakes up and put on the music system and skid row`s track disturbs the ambience.

His other roommate (some dick non-metal head who freaks out with that) it’s been a daily grouses Atreya can’t listen to music .so he decides to shift his base..Atreya, in pajama bottoms and a The Ramones t-shirt, stretches ,take a brush and applies the toothpaste and throws it across his dishevelled bed. He sits up.

Atreya: hey you asshole .why didn’t you flush the lavatory.

his non-metal head roommate Sanjay wakes up..and yells what?? Can’t u put on the flush??

Atreya - am not ur dad`s keep to clean ur excrement ..

Cut to: the bathroom. Atreya put his hand on the sink and start to brush, the foamy flows down with turbulence with the word.. he tries to keep his calm..from inside he is raving mad..

Atreya —crap what the fuck( in mind) ..what i am doing living with this nincompoop poppycock bladderdash ..i need some space for myself where i can listen to music and play my air guitar and do the stuffs i want to do .

Atreya sits in the potty and flips the newspaper and rummage for rent column..its reads roommate needed..lets give it a try..This place is on my way to office...I should be hurrying up..Darn its 7.30 and i have to check the place too..

*Scene— Atreya walking and reading the address details in the newspaper ..He finds it and he press the doorbell.. Avi walks with a weary head and flaunts up a smile arc *

Avi –yes! What can i do for you?

Atreya —i read this newspaper ( this room is actually Avi father place and they don’t stays with him and he needs money to eke out extra money..Most of the rooms are empty so he needs mates to fill it up)

Avi –yeah come in..have a look ..

*Scene—all around he could see is big poster of heavy metal bands like Sabbath ,saxon,tool,tiamat.the darkness,w a s p and many more..a wardrobe and a torn window curtains and few empty bottle of mineral water.*

Atreya and Avi*conversation*

in spite of talking about the room, they talks about music.. So you into metal music?? What’s your favourite bands and all??

Roland -*wakes up and asks*

who is this?

Avi—what was your name by the way

Atreya –hello am Atreya .i work with XYZ scientific lab as a research assistant

Roland–Hi,nice to meet you

*and he flits away ..and he put on the computer and started playing some heavy ear aching shits*

Scene –Atreya is excited to meet these guys and really wants to shift.

Avi- so Atreya do u like the rooms? You can pick any one of your choice

Atreya- yeah i do

*though he hardly cared about the room ..what he cared about the life these guys lives*

Avi – you have to pay an advance of rupees 15000 and monthly rent of 2000. We got a maid who cook for us and washes the clothes.So extra charges come like 300 per head kinda.

Atreya—fair enough so when should I be shifting..?

Avi—whrn ever you want..i will do the necessary official documentations..

Atreya –fine ya. tomorrow is Sunday so i will shifting tomorrow.

*Atreya flits way and sings.he thought he will get back his teenage days back..After shifting to this alienate land he haven’t met guys of his type.. he walks in his office..*

Office scene-

Boss—what`s up Atreya you look very happy today..what`s the scoop?

Atreya- nothing sir ..it’s a beautiful,sunny and balmy day.

Atreya in his head* screw you ..cant u see am a rebellious guy ill-assorted with twits like you. And now you eye my joy.*

Scene-

In the office. Atreya put on his computer and first thing he did after sitting in his crucible is changing his desktop image to the new to DISTURBED`s new album cover art asylum cover..And side by side he put on the torrent and starts downloading songs..that’s what he do most of the time when he got no work.

Lab assistant—sir the moisture meter is not working.

Atreya—*in his mind * what the fuck ..

really ?did u check the nitrogen inlet valve?

Lab assistant—no sir.. I forgot

Atreya -oh god why did you put this twit to my life .. Every now and then ,stalking me with his ubercool stupidity.

Lab assistant—now its working

atreya –good job

*To self –he should be offered medal for

trying stupidly.moron *

scene-Atreya is confused as he got nothing to do now..he looks at his watch..darn two hour are left for lunch..He scratches his head ,churn his teeths ..fiddles his pen and thinks what to do..He opened the web address bar and types facebook.com .And checks his notifications.. he put it on offline mode and change his profile pic that he uploaded last night. He closes it and sway across the office. Just to ogle at the office co-workers (females)

It’s been 5 months that he joined this office..so he hardly knows anyone..he likes one girl name. smitten by her looks.

Atreya rush to his cabin and thinks of an idea that churn into his head .that girl Arpita sits next to the Photostat machine..So he cooks a brainstorm plan to start a conversation with her..Atreya is very sheepish when it comes to females. Even lady bugs runs him catatonic sometimes. But he wants to talk to this female.. Guys coeval to him are roaming with females as arm candies...so thta pisses him sometime.. Most of the teenage he wasted digging out for shits from music and like mind peoples. And at last he turned to be a loser..

He went to the bathroom and makes his hair and talk to self.. i am the man

He heads towards the Photostat machine with some stupid slip of paper. He didn’t care enough what was that..

He fiddles with teh machine and stare blank around. But no one cared to look at him.. he said no one will spill the beans i have to break the ice..*

Atreya== excuse me

Arpita- *looks!* Yes

Atreya- do you know how to operate this machine.

Arpita—*calling teh office boy..the office boy comes and start the machine..and teaches him how to start the machine* anything else?

Atreya to himself *wtf.. my plans failed..i have to look for a plan B*

He thinks about talking to Arpita during the lunch time..he said to himself come on Atreya be a man you can do it..

He went to his cabin and restlessly wait for the lunch break...he peeps though the curtain to check when arpita will be off for lunch..

He waited .lunch time is about to be over but she still sits in her crucible working..

Atreya—darn i am hungry i can`t wait more..i should have my lunch..

Atreya to the office

Atreya—hey! *To the office boy.*. Why is arpita not eating?

Office boy— she is fasting today.it`s Saturday..

Atreya – crap!

Officeboy—excuse me sir

Atreya-no no nothing you get going

*Atreya (self) this moderation has affected their attires but this orthodox fasting is still encapsulated into their heads.*

What now..Maybe sometime later i have to find for another plan to start a conversation.

Atreya went to his crucible and checks torrent. He said to himself .it will be done (downloading) by the evening...

And he spends his rest of the office hour surfing net and by 5.30 pm he packs and leaves for room. .... contd..

Great Utterance

To Ruth Veiphei
Every day is endless dream of magazine,novels,music and beer. Morning beauty got no songs to ask me anything. I stand by the window, I feel the sweet breeze taking to me but I am quite redundant to reply back. The glisten dew drops by the leaves and the foliage by the streets is soothing. The crunch I hold up, wish I could build a bridge between my windows and reach for the morning view. I always want to wake up to the nature site. Wish I could be a kid again with that dirty pocket full with marble and mumble as I walk by the hazy days of childhood. When colour was sepia and vision was free. Right now I can feel my youth smouldering, like my childhood. Singing by the willows and fishing by the pond. Carefree and full of life. Maggot brain which no more I can tolerate. I can`t walk down by the streets without thinking. I can’t taste my sunshine with joy .With that same innocence .No one is interested in taking on any of the mighty cornerstones of my life seriously. I try to listen to all the songs you try to sing. That`s what I want to do. I was just waiting outside. I was waiting for you to arrive. Calmly waiting by the shore, but you can`t hear me screaming from inside. Always waiting outside. Waiting for your sweet sunshine to touch my shore. The evening carries me away to another off-shore. From that cusp I still dream of you whole night. I do care. uff , they complain about my irrational thinking. I feel bad. They roll their eyes over infatuation with vulgarity, I feel bad. Everything is so known still I can’t find resonance with the known face. Oh you know I feel so bored with the mask you wear. So much respect in your voice. The tales by the dusk make my heart pound. Again and again it seems I know. But why everyone is busy wearing a mask as they don’t bother. As I look back to the days bygone, I feel so pleased. The anger was coming near .words were finding its way .All these while I was busy making an album, so nicely stacking inside my head compartments .sweet image of yours with my image. The moment spend with you, i still cherish. I am lost in my search to find you. The love I need to show will still with me .So many songs I have sang for you.
Only thinking about you I spend my whole day. I don’t know why I don’t get time to think about someone else. Each of my tune, you will dance out, soul out. I will play my flute with my heart. By the step of clock I am lying, thinking. I am lost in my own geographical ways and dust of your remembrance has formed a layer. For some many season I have wasted my youth. It is a difficult thing to define one`s self and with a discerning eye. The way I think, the way I feel about you. "Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin." I don’t know how to follow this adage. I am too coward. Tooo sheepish bonded to my own trajectories.
Some of my little tendencies and quirks are not even aware to you. But I can wager SOMEONE is. Nothing more nothing less. To dig for the `real me` out of the real me is a demanding task in itself .For ,I like to hide in the crevices of your mind where I want you to run your wild goose to search for me. Let your imagination runs feral and let reality obscure. I am jagged .I don’t want to snub you with the way I think . I feel. I live I Love. My life has been jagged. My trail flawed and crooked. I have cried many tears. Lived a rustic life. I am not here to impress you. There are lies; to you i will be true. Time has come to make you believe me. There are changes of colour in me now. I do not wish to awe you with any magic tricks. Can you try? A visionary snuffing your sense. Running in the broad way of my arid heart. My soul is dark. I am forever indebted to an alternate life. I have walked so far ,now am near to you. I changed long ago. I have given you all authority to paint a picture of me,. To show me a little piece of your world. I am a most enthusiastic individual who often makes others smile. Make a smile arc in your face. I trotted a lot, now let me sit and talk to you. I rant, i mooch just to fill my head, as it is empty and I can’t stop thinking about you. I tend to be emotionally charged; everything I feel seems to be magnified. Too much fifing for you will sure make me sad. Fuck. Suffice it .You knows am not outspoken and opinionated sometimes to my own detriment. Sometimes my pride and feelings get in the way. I wonder will my simple art of writing will do any marvel. Will it be deep .Will it crop inside your head. Gain the innocuous sounding meaning

Thoughts drainage

1) Oh boy i always wanted to grow old so that people will take me seriously. As a kid people used to think wht a lunatic he is , and i never liked or wanted to be labelled as such. I never pushed my limits to be a maverick. Always focused on the things which mean nothing. I mulled over things which means nothing and i got nothing. some way or the other doing `nothing `made me happy. Still i am rummaging for that NOTHING. I am still encapsulated with the things that means nothing. I am very much aware where i will land up in later run of life. Nothing is all around us. Right now am scammed with such nothingness. My brain is kind free tonight ..i can think ..Wonder!!
2)I feel awkward of myself when i thing about it. I do pride myself for being an `insignificant person`. End of all, what we all seek. In a world so cold, we just seek a warm person. Lol feels like writing my heart out . but i won`t. I am feeling very pep now. Like am hot and feeling like calling everyone and yelling ~pour some sugar on me in the name of love~ no no no no no..*listening to Def Leppard* haha joe Elliot is cool. Love is like a bomb ,come baby get it on..haha..come on sugar me sweet. Lmao.
Let me play with my thoughts- fuck why am writing all these.
I have no intention for falling for you. Naturally i am getting closer to you. Sweet talks still lingers inside my head. I don`t know what all these. It`s the first time you are in a row where my heart is pounding. I don’t know how to apologies for what i feel about you. When i hold my cell phone and hear your voice . i hold is so close ,wish i could i hear the words that on your mind. I love the sweet talks, though it means nothing. I don’t know what games is been played by life. Oh cupid don’t say you played your favourite game at my expense. Each time i look into your eyes, it seems i am a state of eternity. So divine and so succulent. Where ever you talk ,a unfamiliar feelings sneak through my heart window and forms a avalanche of tickling joy. With time the hunger increases. Always looking on cell phone for a sign, that you think about me. Oh i am feeling so ashamed of myself. I still have the email you wrote to me. Entitled~ letter i can`t post~. Those chat ,those sweet talks. In the end all the word, as i read re-read re-read. Only words i have to charm you. Time feels heaved with malice when we say a good bye. Every min seems like a eternity when we are not close or talk. Time is heavy with malice and slowly crept by. I look at your image, but i miss the sweet talks. I never have any one so delicious like you. I have nothing to give you. We are so close ,still so far way . December is coming to an end hope the next month brings something good for me. I have never experience such nothingness and void when you are not close. I become unbearable sad. Depressed and thing about it. I know we can never be together. A factor `nothingness` will always hang on us. I am wrapped up in a blanket of my self-guilt. My foibles of many parameter will always we be dangled upon my personality.

3) literally i did nothing today,from 4 pm i was just dallying and i could see the sunlight flipping its wings and giving a way to dusk to stealthily walk in. I was just sitting on my chair ,legs propped to the table and listening to Rolling Stones ,Mick Jagger ,Keith Urban,Roonie Wood and Charlie watto are doyens of rock & roll. They are not my personal favourite but for the mood i played them. Their music is lively and pep which always demand something from you. Blue licks and some kinda juvenility squash your head. I turned off my music player (funny one). I don’t have a rich player or any Boss or Sennheiser or westone earphones even..but i some kinda like it. Small yet kicking.
I was really peckish , not a nibble had found its way to my girth shaped tummy . i chided in jeans and tshirt ,yanked my wallet from collage satchel and inched towards Munna. On the way i met lalit , he had bread and tea.while i gorge for scrambled eggs and bread(10 breads).. May be after listening to Beacon by Rolling stones my stomach demands it. Ookay one girl clothed in red top and a guy with a pony tail were pain in ass. Guy was okay ..dude type ka tha..but that girl was more or less a revised version of Dolly Bindra. You can crow about her but you can`t avoid. She was like chapppparrr chapppar non-stop till the time we were sitting. Seriously that guy deserves accolades for such a deft and keeping his clam and listing to that fretful girl.. she was like a hook..she was talking about her relatives wedding..how she picked up saree and what she did and what not..blah blah..why on earth anyyone would be so interested to know what she did..i eloped asap after a ten ton heavy supper . Sufficient enough that i missed my dinner. From morning i ate nothing and till now my stomach is counting those eggs and breads. After that i met amey in Munna. Sometime i wonder amey spend most of the time at Munna or what. Amey and one guy named Seth are omnipresent.i find them everywhere. I was lost and dispirited . Melancholy really weighed me down. So for a change i went out with Amey . I grope for some quality books . i got two books for 200 rupees. While returning back Vashali joined us .. We chatted and returned back.. With many silhouettes inside my head about life and all.. How motivated all are and am 180 degree different. My confidence thinned out . what will happen to me. Sadness again streamed in. I was sitting inside a dark room. Thinking.
After some time Flesh (Suman) called me and told me that by januray we will be launching our webcomics www.generationirony.com ..wish we could so some podcasting many be later. I really want this website to form up.. I need something to live for. Else i will be just a victim of unexpected things cropping in life ,just uncalled. A job..Which we guys get just to eke out a living..drudgery 9-6 pm workshift and office fucking grid . i know my life will be fucked once am out of ICT.All these thoughts really freaks me out. Two more years and i will be dilapidated by my own self loathing job life.
4)Right now its dark outside and just finished four chapter from a Sudha Murthy book `A salute to life`..it`s a collection of many anecdotal incident . About her life and her peers and other ally which have touched her life in many ways. another book from the streets. --Vs Naipul The loss of el Dorado. I am new to VS NAIPUL work. Heard a lot about his work. Really never cared to discover his work ..or may be i was too lazy to put my hands upon him. So i got that . i know i wont be able to foray his work till next year. Its December and many other plumbing stuffs will be creeping in.
5) its 11.32 and now am sipping a tasteless coffee. I don`t know what to write next. My brain cells are not kicking in *blank like ape expression*. Right now i am too tardy to type much. I will resume to my sudha murthy book then..
Good night dear blog!!

mindfucked :/

its 10.55 pm...I am not a true artist to suffer from a self expression rhetoric bullshits.i don't want to force my head to run amok for some topic. my head is heavy now. and my anecdotal story telling will not amuse my you.just an attempt to knit what i did today .woke up like at 8.30 , took a shower. my health-meter was vying for a plight. so i tucked up in bed again . exams are from 20 dec. and i had made some time-capsules but i cant be a zealot follower because of my health.my nasal passage was lodged and my head was heavy like a ten ton hammer. somehow i managed to carry my body by 12.30 for lunch. After-while i headed to library. read one topic and by that time one student told me about the framed up lecture. My intuition were fully aware that there wont be any classes.motif about the classes is never gonna changed in ICT. after that i cut myself from the herd and collected some notes and got those xeroxed.hope this xeroxed paper were made up quintessential elements to study for exams.. later shitsank!!! i was swamped with lab work till 8.30 . that's all how i preached my day inside stereotype eco-system of ICT ..i cant type more or think more.. my head is heavy ..my cerebral is under a severe malady and it buzzing and words are kinda bulimic in every way

random 4

its 9.07pm and i am suffering from a debilitating brain aneurism . my brain is still in the platform and hasn't come up with any power to write something. the inner is psychometric and my search for excellence is still in isle.deterring my thinking inch to inch. am at loss of some intelligent phrasing..went outside to gorge some food..my belly now counts small small nibble of masala dosa if i ruminate it like a cow. always i taught myself to be in a grid lock when it comes to feelings. but from evening my head is like a welkin,still i cant come up with some phrase.still i cant brave myself to debauch this snippet with abundance details. i am beastly sick to think and write now. i wanna keep the mystery rumbling inside my chrome.cynically fucked with thoughts.defective nutrition.. defective life.. defective brewing desires ..sometime i like to make some imaginary lines but i dunno how you will take the ugly side of me :/

random 3

its 6.40 pm just back from collage.first thing i have done after putting my satchel is writing this snippet.i have nothing to tell or a tale to live for. just to short to frame it up. no new sky to fly for,no new liking ..still the same . all thoughts still secluded as a sharp blaze. a blooded heart with a sweet tinge of lunacy. inside cretin is still busy editing it games with new rules. by the wind, my weird self rattles for a life. while i break for a death in this life..a head stained with lust. agonizing the day light . my head cries in volume and i cant hear my hearts pulsating rhythms. i wanna reach for your sky and paint it up. sometime i am so mad at my self . i scream at the sky but its fucking empty.my vocal chord of chaos slowly fades its resonance .November doom is over and December is all ready to troll. with the shades to kill this year. November a redeemer of just pain and sorrow. an occult with many demises and stupid cries. my heart is still green. water me i am still here..water me

random 2

Its 1 pm and am literally staring .i am at a dry spell for words again. i look so serene from outside but from with am more of a psyche's mess. my head is heavy after having an coitus with polymer books and literature. i too feel am carrying a self destructive moth analogy and presence of me is kinda bothering .i don`t know when i turned into a object,needless i have to apologies for every deeds of mine. my essence is like a spur to many people eyes. or may be am too lost and my head will fall sometime. my eyes are open for 5 mins but still i am asleep. my head now demands for everything as he is the king for everything . i got class from 2 pm and i can see my bed for an escape.but i don't wanna blow out my time lying somnolent and let my head have a conflict with my body. i need some substance to get engrossed rather than letting my vile gray cells play their miscreants games.i don't wanna practice my evil wordplay now and then.right now i want to be a crowded place and let my brain fly like a hydrogen balloon ,so that i can see and laugh at it. i want to be brainless.i just have a normal body function .i don't wanna sink in the tornado of infatuation or get addicted to confession of loving someone. after sometime i will be sitting in a class of unknown sea of heads..........fuck cupid is orgy ..fuck my range is infinite miseries

random 1

i am feeling squeamish after all these. consuming two lozenge of paracetamol and lying all dormant on bed is making me feel less like a human.sleeping like a log for the whole day minus the snores.i hate to fall sick but being a human i am exempted from having a second option. i had cut my diet from like last one month. i am eating very less. like half belly full.my weight have dwindle a lot in this one month. i dunno why am doing all these to myself. anyway i have to reconstruct with what am lagging behind . sometime i feel someone have put me in a reshuffle mode and i am being played without anyone`s concern. somewhere my life is like a solo, played just to please for a moment and being forgotten after while.many random feeling are now forming a figure of some monster shape and dancing inside me and teasing me. i dunno why am missing you more than yesterday.i dunno how to pen such thoughts. i dunno wanna sabotage the build up pally rapport. maybe am too coward with all these.i dunno how to court you when you are near. i wanna stay with you darling but my other half don`t want to me to dare me with such tepid feelings.

An inquisition makes me run from the woods of ages.
Rummaging the musk deep within for enlightenment.
A vernal awakening as i fall
by the era of darkness, I make a curve
Just to be cleaned by the water of salvation
To mold myself beyond control
My past is proven with bitter resentment
Sanity now vanquished
I lost my trajectories, my entire mind orbit as I walk through this ancient.
The reminisces of a abandoned past...
Mental picture burning with some feelings
Captured in a living body ...moving each day to a death voyage
Existing in an off to never land
I rouse from a material guise
Now i want to emancipate from all restraints
Every desires fades as I touch the ground by my bare foot
The darkness inside me bleak
To give a way to a brighter day
From the center of my heart I have carved a lucid creek
In search for a loomed knowledge
to grope for introspection.
Where life is formed to chime.
Lost myself to eternity where contraries blend as one.
Realm of pure hopes revealed
my self levitates as slowly I bask in the serenity.
As i leave this feeble world and mark my way
to a life full with life.

Some untamed feelings which are burning like ember within me. i thought of writing to you a long time back. I pressed your name hard by my lips. I had no valor to pen all . I buried all what i brewed. I sniff that sweet rumination with lot of pain. A snippet which i wrote for you which i can’t post or email. The words unspoken , amber feelings turning into fossils. And decaying in my heart`s burial ground. I sit by the naked nefarious sky. Those sparkling stars twinkling as I head up. Slowly the threadbare of darkness is effaced and a sweet tinge of love spatters in the ricochet of my heart. Tiny vibrations of my heart crumbling with a sweet joy, don’t know what this feeling is . There is someone between this moon and me. Some sweet thoughts about someone. Accidentally am in love. A circus where two hearts are playing. And she knows it’s more than love. A feeling more divine . a love which is more than love. She knows what`s deep within those mascara beautiful eye lashes. The breezing air carries her smell(badbu :P). The night and star are teasing me now as i dream of her mystical visage. So beautiful colors of her seems to paint my heart. Its new. Stringing about future days as i think about her. Myriad of sweet feelings flower inside my garden. they always say you know when a perfect person walks in your life. Each word i pick to define as it is like a novel within itself.
a gleaming face ,a killer mascara you wear is cringing me . I am the one who wants to be with you. Hope, deep within you are smitten by the same thought. Just to be next to you. i want to lose everything to you. Girl i am grieving. Nothing of mine is left in me. The world around you is making my heart to pump. Baby you are the one. The more i see the more am blurry in the depth of your love. Come feel the inside lurve turmoil with a precession. I am shapeless, come mold me in your love. Come on baptize me in the river of your love. This is a feeling i can’t escape. From deep within a soothing commotion playing inside my head. Under the silver moon light sparkling i want to kiss you. I want to hold your hands and dance by the sweet breeze blowing. I want to drown in the river of your love. I want to get lost in this twilight . i swear i want to lift your arms . i want to be glued in the labyrinth of your simple smile. I want to institute all that I want to . i want to dive into you and colors my heart pool with vivid color. Forever ....

The last goodbye

Dwelling under the shroud of darkness again
Shadows of downfall hovers over my head
Desiring to annihilate my futile soul again
Lusting to envenom this blood in my vein

I seek no more of this delusive delight now
And I seek no more of this unfading affliction
The last blaze of my life is gently dying away,
I envisage, my infernal soul is denied of salvation

How I desired to take you in my cold heaven
I dream of a night that would last forever
How I had foreseen to raise the flames again
I dream of our union a moment to remember

In every rising flame I could see your alluring face
In every red water I could smell your holy grace
With every deep incision, I could virtually hear you moan
I would chase your shadow in every passing dawn

But now that I’ve found you, I’ll forsake you someday
And now that I adore you,I’ll imbibe of you one-day
So let me depart from you,let me not see you die
let me see you smile forever ,let me kiss you my last goodbye.

The Dawn

Woke up to an echo of a mournful cry;
Seems to be the year’s bleakest, coldest dawn .
I solemnly gaze out through my crimson eyes;
to an obscure damsel , unseen ,unknown.

I try to reminisce my memoir, but in vain;
streaks of ebonizing light slashes my vision.
Begging to lose grip on my sanguinary lust;
I approach her to alleviate her archaic pain.

With a dismal semblance on her face;
She sits upon an anonymous grave.
Dead roses lay at her feet,soaked in tears;
Displaying a faint smile,she strives to mask her fears.

But Before the blazing sun scorches my soul;
And before the forlorn mortals annex her pain.
I’d love to bestow my courtesy upon her ;
Would love to drill a deep hole into her flushing vein.

Let me bury you in my cold embrace;
Let me take you into my sunless world.
Devoid of the burdens of life, or the fear of wrath.
Where every day is a sanguinary night,untouched by death.

A bleak frozen dawn emerges out of an endless night

Sprawling on my bed of thorns,stagnant and desolate,
memories are slowly disintegrating ,as my heart runs cold.
As the clutch of death on my life is growing stronger,
This decaying body wouldn’t sustain my soul any longer.

This futile life is a curse that I was bestowed upon
It’s been Ripping me apart ever since I was born
I perished a million times ,died more than I could live
Had ample reason to lament,reason enough to grieve

A somberly dawn emerges out of an endless night
feeble voices calling my name from a raging sea
An arcane force wakes me up,so I linger outside
And I see a flight of black swans passing over me

I gather dead roses and thorns, for me to adorn
Dressed in my favorite attire,its all in black
With great delight,I dig up the ground,six feet down
I hope someone would visit me,I feel a mourner is what I lack

So I rejoice and I dance,for today is my demising day,
No more of this remorse and agony,no more of paralyzed dreams.
I shall cease to endure this sin,my plagued mind shall begin to freeze,
And now that I behold a blaze of light,soon I know I’ll be resting in peace.

Darkness descends

Dusk descends once again,
with the clouds of gloom
and these roses would soon perish
Would no longer bloom

yearning,waiting,burning, with this unhallowed lust
Ah! this raging flame,this everlasting thirst.


long gone are the loved ones that I had
so are those whom I circumstantially met
Yet I wait for you since time immemorial
perhaps you won't,perhaps its too late


I gaze dolefully at those dying roses,
one after another,they slowly turn pale
with my blood i try to paint them red
to make them stay a little longer,but to no avail.



let us make this night last forever

I love you its true
tonight i'll die,so shall you

End of Sorrow

Death stalks me,every night in my dreams
don't know why,what it really means
I hide,I run,and I begin to crawl
Is this the end?Or the onset of my downfall?

crumbling underneath a blood stained sky
Nobody seems around to hear my frantic cry
I try to reminisce a name,but in vain
My mind is frozen,heart devoured by pain

From sunrise till the sundown
my unclean soul is being cursed upon
For the sin that I've never known
For the evil that I had never done

Every breath that I take
is like thorns ripping my heart apart
and every grave that I see
assures me that soon I shall depart.

So far beyond a dark horizon,I behold
the last rain of my life begins to fall
I hope I'll never wake up and see tomorrow
I reckon this is the end,the end of my sorrow.

my prison,my life

Society seems like a forge where human kills human. a venomous place where no naive stand.i was innocent too. Wish i was never born. To breathe the air that i breathe now. Wish I was a dead fetus .ripped inside my mother`s womb. By the gates of ancient to neo i want to come and free all. I want to emancipate myself from all the named things. But I was doomed to suffer. I was born, i am scared, disfigured, and forgotten in this society`s prison. What to do now. For the one whom so confined me, by whose snares I am enslaved. Why am a part of this? Why am i forced to this plaguing society? Why they didn’t ask do i want to see this world.? I never wished to be born. Each day i am bee-stung by people bitter mouth and acts. I am plagued by the vices of the ruthless and depraved peoples. All lech. All pedophile. I paint my soul dark to make it stain free now. I put my fingers to discordant my visions to this crummy society. sometime i look at the sky and seek for answers. Responded vanity. The strings of life pulls me down and like a broken string of beads I spread. Life is wasted would be like drunk and gruff about the things we cant face. Wish i was never born . You castrated my life high on whatever made me more to the hardest. But they would stumble and shrieked through their dark eyes with a fucking mentality . Where i can see my ruin. Yeah my ruin.Yet i am a human . I can skirt all the pain but where? Pain is not meant to be inflict upon others. I have to gloat it myself. A rain of pain is falling only on me and i am collecting each drop,each second . I am drenched and I am hollow. But i am not shameless . I am up to the old prostitute shed with an 'red alert' road sign hammered*you are a whore*..slowly and slowly i assuage all the loosely fringes and cast myself to the decaying wooden walls of society. By the night i dream of the nocturnal and demonic side of me by the altar of the brothel. Come rape me. I am just a sex-object devoid of feelings. Come eat my flesh. You made me a whore. And now you call me a slut. Yeah slut. Diabolic and inspired by the cuss of people around. No warm and musky .forced to give myself.would always be there, waiting for them. Waiting for my time to ... The one turned away from the things before staring at you straight in the your eyes. My side of conservation is almost sly smirked *repeated*and wish i could daub all my pain like a vermilion across society face, if not painful as well. Wish i wasn’t born. Wish i was poisoned inside my mother`s womb. I didn’t blame her. Insanity would drive. Living with shitty and slaking the things that are paltry. It was just the way it was and will be . if i leave a empty room no one cares. I crawl and crawl. But the ground crawls back and crawl out of the back gates then speed down the fissure-cracked remnants of an unnamed highway,where people wanton eyes shining and hearts races. Then, they would just drive. Drive in from all restraints . If i could hide all my body from head to toe in bruises and cuts.... They pelted me with sharp tongue and flesh tearing eyes . I protest . They beat me more. Just looking at me, they raped me . I am not a promiscuous object . I am a human.Wish i was poisoned in my mother`s womb. And knowing she did made her see this world..Sexual libidos drives you. Living with the shitty and slaking lust to the things that are paltry. It was just the way it was and will be. If I leave a empty room. You will make another whore out of this society.i shrieked . i asked you to leave me. But all you said was leftrightleftright and raped me. I was only five. Beneath the grill i cried. But your flesh eating eyes was not satiable. I was bleeding.Hymen was broken .my frock was red and your eyes were not . then another man came and more he scaled me. The more i resisted the more he penetrated. I was only five you bastards.you raped me to my bones. I begged let me go.your libido eyes didn’t let me. I crawl and crawl . by the corner i was crying and howling in pain. But you raped me. Now this society have labelled me as a whore. And ...........

kiyo

mur xhori mon goi ase. chori hol heten uri golu hoi tumar khag pablo loi. kiyo tumar kotha itya monot pore. kiyo ...kiyo

Wordless Tongue

Wordless tongue
This empty paper calls my astral name.
I hold it and smell its uncanny breath
beckoning me to sublime and assimilate all the life i lived
After i am born out of death..Again....
I collect the decayed remains of self and tie it to the corroded life chains
Existence of blew tortured sighs and frigid cries
My abandoned poems and dozen verses about desires
About life... a perpetual sweet deviant delirium streaming
Making me rage
Now everything is beyond comprehension
Days bygone..Still I lament
Seasons thawed the spring into winter
Still I hear the shrieking silence back of my head.
Existing projects and new tangents are like ignorant knowledge
I detest this existence
I suffer this malicious life, my barbarity unfurled
The eyes of day chase me and the teeth’s of night bites me
The soundless tongue of people makes me deaf
My heart of mine is in flames
Plundering the meaning of my life in a decomposing world.
I am scared to walk, i am scared to smile
Trampled and encumbered by the hordes of destiny
I am doomed to suffer by eternal hex of life.
It`s a inherited curse
A life unknown
I have bled eternally and internally
I did my time
No submit,no qualms, no correction
I ask for no more
Expect a pending death

pyschotic misery
life is full of shit
i dont know what to do with myself
beside perishing it
the more i try to unravel myself
the more desires are self knitting itself
inevitable dramatic soul crush and burn..............

ranting about my whole existence

`leh le ke jau kiya?` he asked
`Bhag yeh se,dus minute badh ana, abhi bottle khali nahi huwa hai~ Seemanta Da said
~wait guys, don`t be so sharp on this little kid~ i said
`Yeha ana` i said
`Mein` that little kid startled
`Let him go dude, why are you bugging him` seemanta da said
`Wait guys am just asking him his name` i said
` kiya naam hai tumhara?`
`Arjun` he said
`arjun . pura naam kiya hai?`
`Arjun Singh` arjun said
`toh arjun raat ke 10 baje tum yeha kiya kar rahe ho. Tumhe to ghar mein honna chaliya na` i asked
`Pitaji ne kaha hai beer ke khali bottle jama karne ko.`
`lekin kiyo`
` taki pitaji kal ko yeh bech sake` arjun said
I don’t know what to say to Arjun. Really i was at a dry spell. Neither he had anything to say to me.Arjun was looking at me or was he looking and gauging how miserable I was at that time. Seemed his innocence was rummaging for humanity inside me as he was looking at me. Or was I thinking a lot. Maybe..What I was doing at that time, I felt so paralysed at that time. Devoid of all sense ,like so static. Like all the things around, all the words spoken were juxtaposing to avail some sense to the ambience. A thing which was true and seamlessly All stuffing gulps of beer making my head to object. So shameless I was. Why we breathe. Why we live? Each things into my hollow mouth seemed like i was eating and squandering someone’s hard toiled money. And i was idling and guzzling. I went to tread on the lane nostalgia. What i did as a kid? Yellowed mark school sheets, spool of mothers love and fathers care. I was fortunate. Being still from the absurdities of life as my father maintained life which was so upside down. I am still procrastinating the value of this existence. I couldn’t look at Arjun eyes that night. What could i say? I couldn’t show sympathy. So I didn’t say a word. This was our game. Life is a game. Everyone have to play for some the rules are much harder compared to us. After all we play. Some win after losing a lot while some lose after winning a lot. We managed to get good education, and many more allays. While we sometime fail to gain love, life . Still we play. Whole life in hope of gaining. we depend on others to gain what’s impending . We make new relation, we forget old relationship. In delving love and life. We play. We play with feeling s.
it will happen all over again again and again. I remember when i was a child and i used to on top of piles of dirt in my Saturday white school uniform clothes and mouthed tiny strategies under our parents' watchful eyes. How they used to scold us and wash them for us. Now all the innocence is gone. As i sat on the parapet by the beer shop i could feel the tiny water droplet streaming down by grip. I was so pensive. I lived my life. While arjun is still a toddler on the walk of life and for him life is just so difficult. He roams and by nocturnal hours he gathers empty beer bottles. Whole day he is busy dilly dallying. And as a kid i used to do the same on schoolyards .we were an army of grass throwers that surrounded bullies and teachers. We even wasted our childhood but we were mentored well. We didn’t know at that time that we were doing all this for something . Something like connecting the dots. Life can only be understood when we look back . In reverse it becomes so easy to connect the dots. But in the end we all say we are not happy. When we were children we scribbled little plans on pieces of scrap paper. What we wanted to be when we grow up. We were so aimless yet we were so happy. Each day we were so pious, each day we were so devoid of jealously. All we cared about making friends and playing. Now as we are grown up and our tiny games have converted into building giant talking machines. Making new plans. Buying new home. Buying new things to make our life better. Are we really making our life better? . or we are pushing ourselves unknowingly to more into a state of illusionary happiness. How old paper cutting of super heroes and cartoon out of old newspapers and comic strip are now replaced by scientific journal and collage degrees but then also we are not happy..And how empty shell of coconut are replaced by empty beer bottles. Still we are not happy. We planned to run away from this life . we plan vacations but what whom were deceiving. When we were children we built the tiniest cities out of sand so we could break them and build all over. But we were happy . Now we dream to live in big cities to make ourselves happy. We still complain . Our disgruntling attitude will never be content. in Oder to gain something we need to learn how to sacrifice but we don’t wanna put ourselves in much trouble. We want everything at an ease. We all live a life of delusion. We are all self deluding souls. We see what we want to see. Tired and scared, we don’t wanna scratch the normal diagrams in the dust to find a meaning. We don’t wanna dirt our hands. We’ve really lost our maps which could navigate us to the destination of so called life. We listen to stupid television which is running when nothing is free. We watch social drama. But we don’t have time to listen to the humming of tiny birds. Chirpings of home sparrow and recite to ourselves to their songs . We forgot our childhood. What we wrote when we were, once, children. How we used to watch those moments we so much curiosity. How come we are so changed person now? What wrong. The less we know the more happy we were. As I streamed down beer all i could hear was reminiscing whispers of my childhood days. But at the same time all I could hear was wrinkled breaths of this guy standing next to me, and many more photographs of numerous such kids like Arjun. Coming out of me like shrapnel and hitting me.
As i up my head i can see many small kids are waiting by many people who were drinking their beer standing.some on their bikes. And some sitting next to us. These kids are like little scavengers who are waiting like voracious to devour the cadaver. And arjun was like our scavengers, it’s like pre booking the empty bottle from the person who is drinking it. So arjun was waiting next to us so that he can collect these empty beer bottles for us. I was not sure about why he is so interested in gathering empty bottles from us. But arjun said his father used to sell these bottle for money. He collects these bottle form different people. After little of enquiry i came to know that for each empty bottle his father will get 2 rupees and arjun use to collect like 30-40 bottle every night. He waits and collects bottle till mid night. For dinner he used to eat nothing. His father used to pick him for home late night. His father works in a nearby local beer bar. We guys used to go to a bar for our beer or use to buy it from this job and we use to guzzle it in room. But drinking ,standing next to a wine is a new thing for us. And for this we encountered Arjun and his side income source. Its a great revelation for me so far. I don’t know we opted to drink in this beer shop. This place is like inside bit and many people don’t venture near to it. Its kind of dark and kind of filthy. The place is wafting with stench as it was near to a local daily fish market. To add more this place had hell lot a mosquitos. But we opted . We just had one beer each and we were like three guys. This place sucks and pimping. Of course cheap liquor and ranting complains about own personal lives everyone wants to know do . There is a very sleazy side to it. Whole day we complain about life and crow about other people..we raise a person to the sky and then we hit back. We bitch about other people was really exhaust right now and i can read a sign what life wants to show me . i am sick of self deluding my whole existence. After a while I was all gloomy.
`tum kiya school nahi jate` i said
`nahi` arjun said
`kiyo? Tumhe padhna acha nahi lagta? ` i said and frowned
` nahi acha lagta` Arjun said
`kiyo. Tumhare pitaji tumhe school nahi bejhte kiya?
` mein pahle gaon ke school mein jata tha, aur mujhe yeh ke school mein dakihla nahi mil raha kiyo ki mere pass certificate nahi hai.` Arjun said
Hey roop let him go na. Why are you bragging him . he said na he don’t wanna study. So what’s the point of telling him that? See he is so lucky that he don’t have to study. Plus we should not force anyone to do what he doesn’t like. `` My friends said.
How can a little kid of age 9 years decides for himself that he want to study or not. And on the other we guys who are educated are saying why to enforce studies upon someone who don`t want to study. What’s education means after all. I don’t know what’s the difference lies between us. I don`t know what i used to do when i was of his age. I may be happy at that time. Even he is happy. Do education from a top grade universities like Stanford, Caltech ,kellog ,Tuft..Promises you happiness? At the end of the day what the purpose of this existence. All wants to be happy . We finished our bottles and gave those empty bottles to that guy. We grabbed few more bottles and we guys started to talk. Crowing about our parents and society. Somehow or the other we are enmeshed to this society.a lot of things are there that don’t mince with me. But i have to live. Reason i don’t know. I am superior to Arjun from every angle. I am in better position. But why i was feeling more miserable then before. It seemed as if i have become more selfish . more concerned about the things that bothers me rather than mulling over what`s real. I had 700 bucks in my wallet. I thought of giving that money to Arjun but i didn’t. I abstain myself. From what i don`t know. I knew if i would have given that money it would have made no difference in my life. But would that money would have brought any change to Arjun life. I think no. Somehow or the other he would have finished or his father would have. If i give money to poor people will call me a kind hearted guy and if i ask why they are poor, people around will think am a communist.
There are times in my life where i really forget what real education means. As a kid i always learned to love each other, to be kind to people around. Am i really implementing what i was been taught. How will time the value and objective of education changes. Now a days i study to get a degree so that i can earn money. And as a kid we were been taught so that we can inculate values. Why we had subject in school. I have learned many things as a kid. But i don`t remember anything being selfish . From where these desires imbue inside me. How desires still brewing that more i spend time with books and education. Its not a real education. We are getting educated to earn,not to enrich values. We are becoming misthropies as more educated we are becoming. Not necessary. The more desirable we are becoming..

My heart is too dark to care now. My wishes and desires were charred a long time ago. Left with a cremated soul. All of my lies have formed a second skin. The things I only cared; i only wished is to be your friend. I am a morbid product of all the streamline aversion. Sinister urges gushes inside me, all because of me. i was a fool. Do you even care? Please claw me away from you now. My life is condemned and i don’t want you to manipulate what’s inside me. I want to sum up all the things you used to bracket me as a sobriquet radical. All the transformation is creeping and I am falling more close to that status quo of yours. You didn’t tell me what did i do? Each thought are decaying me from inside. Like a pulse of a maggot. My thoughts are more of a fragmented chaos now.. My head is defiled by those reminiscences. I still miss your face. Some part of me is still somewhere in you. That world of your dead memories, where my mind venture writhe me . I try hard to get rid of it but it’s too tangible to draw myself back. I have nothing to say now. Am a left over desolate creature and i can’t stand on my ground. I am locked in a nightmare now and the key is you.The air i breathe reminds me of you. Air i breathe seems like a cage now. All i got now is hatred. i stripped down my life to you but you spit it away. Each fragment seems to culminate now to imbue more loathe to this existence. Please come back and love me. I want to tear away each part of my goddamn body now . Else you execute me fucker. I don`t want to reshape myself. You extorted me with a sweet smile. So subtle, so succulent. That’s it I want to draw a line now. I can feel the loathe creeping in. Come smear me whole with you bitter words. But you smiled when you gifted me grief. Give me any repaired reason to live. What’s done is done. You can’t take me away from me anymore. I rather die than to consume your memories like fire.

Feelings

Namaskaram bloggers and blood suckers :P!!

I am very much fine and my mind needs some pabulum or anything to keep myself away from all these. Whats happening. I have been rouse from sleep since 7 am. Its Sunday ugly morning and I am still confused what to do. All these while I was listening to White Stripes one song ~ You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)~. Literally I raped the next button..I suspect all the things now, don’t know why..I don’t know what lerve is .I just do what am not to..From the morning a visage is floating inside. I try hard not to but my sensory inputs keeps on falling into its vicinity. This blog post is little early for all these I believe.. but whatever. My blog is another one of those wonderful things which I love..How many bad times I have ward off ,sublimating my mental anguish and frustration with it. Whenever the wallpaper of my life crumbled from people cunning endeavor ,it was there. Its like one of those things sometimes found in old school/college autograph/slam books /scrap notebook where we write. Though I never had any lol. So many things are churning inside my head .This snazzy little thing that happened to me. And I can’t get it out of my head. Seems my inner chrome is daubed by the colour of repeated ricochet. Wish I could unfurl what’s inside me. But I don’t want to make a mockery of the lined up things. Fuck, here I am raving about it again (yeah again)! Well not directly this time, but am afraid to type all .as I close my eyes, I went blind. But in the distant alley of my mind lane I can see someone waiting. As I dare myself to walk, that blurred up face comes alive and I open my eyes. Addition to all the things of one projects that have been popping up all is having all my attention. I am really scared sometimes. My inner self knows with bamboo and straw I can`t build a concrete home. All I can do now is sniffing what inside me like the pages of an old book. Books which I cajole like a sweet dumpees. Wish people could be like those. Always there. Wish humans and feelings could be like that. The air seems to be polluted with her sweet rumination now. And unfortunately i am that reader. I can’t resist the smell of those yellow pages of her face. I keep turning them to find a meaning. Every time they tease me with its genteel gawky touch. Like a irresistible karmic energy am falling into its cyclotron. In the labyrinth I am lost. What’s this ??. The shackles are invisible yet am tamed to a unnamed feeling. That image is floating in upper department because am kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the person making. Slowly each day, each acquaintance is a straight forward framework. It was never been so complicated. How to find a synchronize each things from thought to action . its magical I must say. I don’t want sing that most emaciated vocal cords like others. My head nerve plays little bit of acoustic rock, thrown to measure the effect caused. Icy thumbs to every thoughts. A everlasting echo ripples and die at my own lerve banks. Something is mystical about that façade. I am lost in my own sky ,the same feeling after I binge myself with that sweet face. It’s a bitter sweet feeling though.