woman

I was child; innocent
You will be beautiful women day,
my mother said, i believed
Preparing this skeletal,so long
So untrue,maligned
at 16, i realized
when his beetle stained ,smelly teeth
dig in and bite my unsprouted nipple, as a pree
in that tinsel dress, i covered my girlhood last
he reared me, till my threshold
I guessed, that`s what womanhood is
i could feel
body moisture, turning to flakes
vaginal cyst solidifying
aftertaste inured
....
his mother called as "fish oil"
i am woman, not a fish
in this slime, i have learned to swim, though
i smell like a fish, true
i integrate, my days, rice-fish, that`s what your husband like
dawn to dusk;
utensils, wood, among other
on bed, plough ed, beaten
just i am a female
you made me a woman, acquiesced

My impulse

My niceties have been tampered upon, my kindness have been betrayed; stampede.
Now I need more human, new ones, to interact with, new ugly souls to defile my vision, with  obstinate inhumane and political views,
you are right and others are fool, your blah blah fuck!!
So, have I told you lately, what a coot I am
And wiring and doing that dunghill life again and again
What do I now, now moo?
I am out of craziness for a bit today, it seems I am willing to face the world again
I am with breathe, and feeling air as transpire. The membrane of nostril; could
feel the air, making me a realist, how sick I am now.
Yet, I am, what I am.
today, for a change, I am out of my regular calcified skin, as I stripped naked, and read the pages of
 my life, which I have forgotten long time back.
Reading so much of Sarah Kane, makes me feel gutted; at least I am thankful, my senses
function well, without intoxication,
Her words have tortured me well, so beautiful ravaged me internally.
I may not have a clear thought from now on, to anything.
So insipid to musing, so infused- so profuse with scum
I feel, I am a play, functioning, as I am.
Totally inert and nonreactive to the outer world.
My thoughts, so hermetic, obeys and dominated my existence.
On the lighter side of the life.
................
Stilling fucking my ears with Ben Howard, streaming and pouring down
his coons down to my ear drums, and impregnating my thoughts, creating
an essence within, for more serenity, which so much I need now.

Roop

Inner-hood

I am left with no money. How can I fancy any gin? Wondering within how will I slake the thirst of my inner demon, as the duskiness will slowly engulf every specks of light bit by bit; more horribleness will overpower me. The darkness will descend, and drag me out of sanity, without any morality. I have to gather penny by penny to prevent the inner demon to manifest to this humanly world ruthlessly. 

This demon in me, have to be dealt with kindness, as I slake down self to intoxication. My mind needs to killed, thoughts needs to be annihilated, before it reports to her and torn me apart. I have to hold my identity, which I have been hiding for so long to this society.

Cheap booze, may work, I will be full of logic, as I surrender myself to the real me, which I have nurtured for so long. Intoxication, is prime resort. Food, I don’t care, I will survive, on my own vomit.

Without money, I feel so vulnerable, exposed to the reality, like a living human, skinned.

I gulp, with a pinch of salt, and drift to the eternity, a safe haven for my inner lord. Now I am proud, as I envelope my shame with my naked body. The femininity in me had always yelped, combated for an identity. My inner demon my femininity - my real existence, my manhood.

-Roop

So repulsive

I am out of ecstasy;dwelling again; again and again, into the poison well. I don’t care, whether my t-shirt smell bed, or my pants got a patch because of last night cum. I am pretty mad now, roaring from the deep well of my mind. Fuck you, to make me so look deglamorized, in front of the images of your marvelous crafted cum fill mouth. Fuck you, as I fill your pots, and write to this. Fragments of your soul, I char, in my mind. I tear your red dress, as I squander you to the core.

Fuck you and your dog, your God, and remotely all the human, that exist or recurs.  I am dwelling more, into this scum, called life. Your existence, so piggish, but you apprenticed me to co-exist.

In your hegemony, I feel a weird hilarity, to call you as my master.

0.4.03.2019

As the dusk, feeds on the light, I am all wake ,to erase the senses. Tonight, I drown myself in the bottle of absinthe....

20 Mins later.....

Inebriated, disgusted, in the prime of my debauchery. 

Lost in the zone, not a segment of culture remained, to be true or untrue.

My domain is so nonchalant, as I am so structural to the dope.

I can only breed, discordance, in ultimate true chaos ,lost within, in which I find my serenity. 

Hopes fly, and annihilate themselves.No need to care for tomorrow or moment next

I am just giddy, with sense of calmness. 

I am not me

05.03.2019

Merciless as the night falls, wish I could say good night. Cunningly, deceitfully, I refrained my tender heart to surrender. There is an emptiness, in fact a shallowness, torturing me for a long time. But tonight, there is a sudden need to speak to someone, to touch someone. A need to frame up to a soul, to feel my presence. Mentally an up thrust, an upsurge to write, to mingle, to socialize. But here I am again, in the cauldron of my emptiness, awkwardly commanding  my inner self to flair up the mood. How unattractive of me, to package self in the old me. Words are rustic, fading from all dimensions, no oozing sap of sweetness, with tinge of bitterness. I am finding myself, opened to an inward decay, to a true inward disintegration; chopping all the thread of humanity. A sweet poem or snippet, which my heart long for now. Awaiting for a new melody to plaster the deep cracks of my heart with love. Feeble sensations, cushioning in, and out. I touch the  human shell of me, the outer rim and into the deep abyss, I cant find my soul, which would care, for benevolence.

In all the odds, you cast by; you`re the moon, and my stars, shining in the black hammock of my heart. A beguiling delight, that have inspired me, to craft, to write.....

INWARD 04.03.2019

Reconciled, in the deep recess, I agglomerated the thoughts, of dark and gay. I am having inward breath, filtered. I am quite queer now, in my own flesh. Small favor, to the air around me. Cylinders huffing , special kind of grotesque. The inner mechanism, inherited the business, to which my futile sense fails, I just long and trail away.

 I am glad, I am alive now.

The meek soul, fantasied, like a nubile, to be deflowered; the gap, bleeding red. In literal scene, I am optically blind to the darkness, my tongue doesn’t speak diabolical. In my arms of might and strength, his is my kind father. 

…What`s the purpose, in excitement, I am doomed to ask. 

You are unaccountable to the miseries, you are grind ed to, he said with a smug face.

His words, clay me, shadows me, to another life. 

I wash my face in the faucet of wisdom. The meek humanity, inherited with a curse. 

From eons of time, trampled with fabled of foolishness.

He is here, to curve us out.

Oh! My lord

Retch

Slipped from her tongue
She said '"coalesce"
You and me, lets coalesce
Why to structure life differently, so uneasy
Fractured world, drained
Amused, unreservedly, all fresh ones, flesh out same
to stench, a let down
Passing light, seriously curious anointing
Sweet pain, aches painfully
In proverbial wishes, I retch, in maze of electronic texts
My nakedness, demonstrates only libido
One year passed,  dialogues
Unveiled, the ruins of my life
Lets mill the leaves, brew the demeanor gayness in the alkali
Sweet fouling, forgetting the bullied past
No one to be around
Alone, I retch!!

Misalignment

Its Sunday, I am nude, standing in front of a mirror
I open the newspaper and it reflects the wide cracks of skin, as if am printed on it.
My body, not so glam
My passionate soft tender outer covering, tossing to the spread out paper
I cant read, I am uneducated
My organs do well, knows what lust is
I project self, as a horse would do grass, to devour
Lowering, in ebb
The paper, so unpleasant, as I rid it away from mouth, gooeyed with cum
Puzzled, flicking, one thing to another
I am strange
Dazed and numbed, each object ricochet inside my drum
Oh my bastardization, makes so little of me

02.03.2019, Saturday

Its afternoon now, I could sense an electrifying longing, and a pain; my head flooded with an weird feeling.
My stomach is upset, it``s not uncomfortable though but grimly disgusted, maybe I gulped downed too much of coffee in an empty stomach. Everything  pays off, in its own way;bloody coffee and its malicious effect. I could sense the internal fury, its like I am torn apart between my thoughts which is imaginative;concealed deep, but I know its a figment of my own creation and a real internal burning sensation.
Wish I could seppuku and keep my entrails to dry out, dangled to the rust window rod. I am feeling disgusted, as my own thoughts torture my head. I am so sick, so morbid. Yuck!!
I don`t know, I am now a joke, between my physical and consciousness state.
I am still; folded, folded, folded.
I want to touch my thoughts, if it manifests itself, as a being, and kick its ass.
But what a ghastly stupid imagination it is. 
I am just a boy, unsatisfied, repealed.
So brittle, just hiding myself away from the cold breezy wind of March.
Escaping from the day of light.

01.03.2019, Friday

This morning, my eyes wore  out, cold and hazy. So residual; still my stomach holds the consumed absinthe. My burned and raped soul; still nomadic to the thought of city life. Working, and by evening, only left with a residual bit of life to kill. As I drag my being to a vacant room, and the four walls befits my vacant soul, like a caring guardian. A dim light bulb, which flickers all the time-each night, as if it has it own tales to tell me. It hurts my eyes. Even though, I look to it, and the slanting lights penetrates, self-inflicting torture, each second passing, seems like a mere mocking .
I sit and gaze deeply into a mirror, kissed with thick layer of uncleaned dust.The reflection seems content, no hue of bitterness, as if i am all normal . It projects me vividly, playing with my internally smugness; is it a crime, if I flinch for a moment and soar up high, my thoughts ceiling ed, life painted in azure. All these are a fleck of my imagination, or a reality wrapped in me, I dont have an answer to that.