my duck that i usually talk about :P

image

it’s a unquestionable image

Burning my inner hatred to ashes of love

Displayed so vivid yet so beyond comprehension.

a reflection into my chrome, where fumes portrayed.

Each smile planted into me with a sterile love

Feels like lacerating it.

Mechanical thoughts swathe me

Unit by unit i die, drowned in your fantasy

Each cords strummed so hard

My mind cant remote my thoughts

Make a copy of me and distort my existence

The sickness in me is escalating beyond you can emanate

Image reflections swirling inside me

i can’t spit what is inside me nor i can live with it

A face so perfect, so flawless beyond my cynic eyes.

Beneath..

Insidious feelings about her starts to be me reign

Your smile grasps my soul

Forever chained, perpetually hollowed with you

You are one among the millions

parle G

Sometimes in life it happens that nothing falls into place like the way they should be . its like a cycle stand when one thing goes wrong everything follows in that way. Nothing goes ok. how much you may not try . there are times in your life when you get psyched out and feels like throwing your head to the wall. You put your middle finger as a sign of ovation to the Murphy and his law( which states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong) but here I’m not writing abt the things which are just going wrong..anyway my day wasn’t fruitful at all . Woke up late with a (). Missed office. Got yelling from Boss regarding no prior notifications for not coming to industry. What was i suppose to? calling him from () that am going to get sozzled and incase if i fail to come next day please accord my absence. FTW.It was truly not my fault. Morning was bad in any case. It was 10 am and i was reading something (yeah something)and suddenly turned ravenous. My inner glutton was demanding me to feed it with some food. Pugnacious rats start running around in my tummy maniacs. I dashed for some biscuit which i usually fossilised in a container for future purpose. All i could i see were wafers. damn then my brown eye balls fell upon a three days old OPEN pack of good day biscuits. I moved to get it but it was under the jurisdiction of ants. Fuck you little ants ! tiny ants crawling ants running over my hands. I ran to the bathroom and let the turbulences of water to carry away those ants into hells serenity. Lol good day biscuits (they should name it something else). I dressed and elope to the closet hotel( local word). I checked my wallet. It was feeling extremely light. i realised i had no cash. I swapped my card for last night’s bill. Anyway that is not a issue, because i have atm with me and i can easily spot a HDFC atm machine. I rush and find myself alone. I am glad that there is no headache to follow butts to get to into the ac room to get cash. And to my misery that ATM was running ups today. What ever happened should not happened. i look with pensive eyes and kick the machine. The guard yelled—what the heck?? What are you doing?
I said nothing and left. I am hungry and i have no money. I dive into my wallet and only i managed to come up with a five rupee coin. I know a place (tapprii or larri ) where i can eat some bread pokods with that money. I order one with extra chutney and i devour it. I hand him my five rupee coin, he said three rupees more.~dam baraha diya kiya. Pach mahene pahela to pach rupiya ka detha tha.. are shaba ji dam brahe hui to ek sal ho gaya~. While talking to the taprriwala ,one little girl in rags tugged my tshirt & begged for money. I just stand blank and trying to comprehend what to do. I m stuck with no line of action. I said bhaiya if its ok if i pay you next morning. Reluctantly he agreed and i gave that 5 rupee coin to that girl. I put a broad smile and leave that place. I went to my room and continued to read. 1 am and i thought to borrow some money from my house owner for my days meal. I went upstairs and to add salt to my misery i saw a LOCk yelling at me `sorry boss nobodys home`. I hardly have any communication with them. So i have no clue where they have gone. i thought i have to be parsimonious in future. Ready money is what matters rest is fake..Back again to my room, i groped for coins i that i usually throw carelessly. I could manage to come up with twelve one rupee coins. I again went to that taprri wala to get pakods. But it was 1 pm and he ran out of snacks. Damn! I was strolling on the streets oblivious to all teh things that were being sold on the sidewalks which i couldn’t afford at that moment.i bought some parle G biscuits and carried them to my room and eat them with water and continued to read with a voracious stomach. .damn what a day.

commemorate

Today morning i got a call from my mother and she said Rongali Bibhu r xubehsa thkil.it sounded weird cause she never did that to me when i was at home. She asked to me wear a new vest today .i said how will i get one at this ungodly hour. Its 6 am and no shop will be opened. She said fine.. Get yourself a new one and wear it later. And she hung up...i took my weary head and head to the bathroom. Hold my tooth brush and squeezed my toothpaste. And started brushing. Like a sepia envisage ,memories clouded my head. How my mother used to ask me to wake up early and forced me to take bathe and hit the coconut tree with a big stick and shout lag lag`(means grow grow) . I wonder why on earth people execute such weird rituals. I had wake up early else her like will be a patter and eat my head..i used to say fine im awake and im coming soon.After waking up i used to say to myself. Fuck i need more sleep. But that couldn’t be offered to me.Mostly all of Asomiya (native of Assam) agree with this assessment dictum of “Lag lag”. Its belived that it helps to promote growth. But who I was at that time to start a tiff regarding such nonsense. FTW lag lag? I had to be one of them..it’s like who will bell the cat.and i cant carry a self destructive moth analogy and fight with the old heads. Fine i followed with a blind ethic. Respecting my roots. uff who will save the sane anyway..after all these we used to wash our cow (Rani).it sound weird that we had a cow inspite of living in a city.i never understood why my family had a cow?? Yeah yeah a cow . It is a literary absurd thought according to me. About the genius concept of taming a cow. Think of the fodder how my family used to gather ? surprise ? My dad used to go to the Milatary farm near Basistha temple everday to get grass for Miss Rani. Grass for rani and not a toffee for little Roop. Such a unfair love :P. That was a inferior battle for love i kept on fighting till our Rani died.it was a sad tale.which im not going to write.my dad always used to be wary of the ejaculations of the demise of Rani .If anyone used to say Nath da hobo diyok bhali hoi,apunar bohot kosto hoi asil no.khodai khodai gha bisabibo loi and my dad used to be ready to bases valid argument against their words. He used to panned valid (maybe) lines regarding the benefits of taming a cow. From manure to milk. And what not. From nandi (shiv`s devotee ) to cow slaughters.uff.. i remember i used to drink Rani`s milk..But what about the dung?? humans never use it for consumptions.urine is used tough my hindu devotees and it was regarded as pious.i mean still today.back to dung taboo.it had to be for the plants. But back then we had no garden to use it..Where does the dung goes...really we didn’t bother much about how much it valued. I hated Rani sometimes because everyone used to be busy nursing Rani.and if she was pregnant she used to be a highly maintained bitch .And no one even cared whether i was done with studies or not . i still remember the peru(i dnt know the English word, buts its a milk product)when she used to give birth to calf. Rani was one of the first unambiguous characters back from my childhood whom i am hated. but i was a kid back then. After a long time Rani`s thought clouded my head. She was dear to my family. Today is bihu and its kinda obvious to remember about her.Oh wait, another exciting thing happened today. Minu(elder sister) send me a sms` lau kha bagena khai,bosore bosore bhari ja.maare khoru bapare khoru toi holi bor goru..(Arrrrrr!! ) i replied back- hoi de moi Jodi goru nije nu ki—gai??And after that i took bathe and got dressed and went to the restaurant to buy myself a b`fast.I was standing in the line, waiting to order my stuffs...when the typical-white haired-obstinate Marathi Buddha butts in asking a question on top of my head. When I told him to get in line, he told me ki 'thamba don minuteta lagta'. When i told him to get in line again, he asked me if my parents hadn't taught me to respect elders. A FAVORITE quotation with middle aged morons all over the country.When I asked him if he's teaching his kids to break lines, then he glared at me and not-so-silently waited for me to get my eatables. Bloody Arseholes..no cutting in line. There is a word in the hindi language- dheeth.>dheeth, is a word perfect for such morons in any city.maybe its guwahati or aurangabad. big,small,young,old. It doesn't matter what you try to teach them or tell them, it doesn't matter if you wave your middle finger in their face when they stare at your chest.they made a effective and positive impact on the minds of the people inspite of the fact that there was no dialogues in either of the clips.anyway the mood of working on a bihu is unthinkable in assam. All we people can think of is eat|celebrate|sleep. My mood of not working is well conveyed to my boss i guess. At 7.30 am only i told my boss, i will be leaving soon .i decided to stay away from industry. I knew it will be a paltry to tell why i want to leave early today. i mean to say that they will not agree with that kind of living we have there or the traditions we follow in Assam and hence they will be inkling and may so. To them it would be a simple line or word today is bihu or bihu.. i know i was getting little bit more excited about it. But what to do ranting sms into my inbox from all asomiya friends is fuelling my excitement. Please tell me is this a way of living?? Afar from home on this day. But i remember many lines right now. Form Einstein to anonymous .damn such lines are churning inside my nutcase. like if you wnat to be successful don’t associate yourself with things or places(i hope i got the quote correct..damn WGAF) or read this- If you do not want to live for your own dream then what are you doing here in the first place..who the fuck come up with such great motivating lines .but damn with it i am cutting off early. i should feel guilty that i took a half day for bihu..i sat on my pc and first thing i did was yanked my phone and forward some bihu sms to every asomiya friends and few close friends(mongrel regions-not-dog type please!!) and i want to wish you too happy rongali bihu incase you are reading it .i can have a clear envisage right now how people will be celebrating Bihu in assam .all will be gleaming with their new clothes and roaming around. Taking blessing from elders. Who are sensitive, who think from the heart and are emotional, and this festival is for us.its in our blood.Thus everyone waits for this time of the year. Even the local committee from every part of assam never demean the sensibilities of the audiences, so they try to bring most popular singer or musician for the people. As far as asomiya audiences are concerned they are mad about this. Whether its theatre or music we are always on.but work big noooo!! We asomiya are lazy asses. Digest it. And if any singer is called for such associated events with some local committee then they would do their best to promote it in their own way.But i never used to go for such shows. Cause i wasnt more into asmoiya bihu music..i never used to go for such shows despite my friends's vain attempts at rubbing me around. rolled up in my head and hand like a mad fellow...i will not let go.Nooo!! fuck noooooooo!!.stereo type of bihu hits loudly proclaimed from public shows, stereotypes songs from all the VCDs drifting to your ears, anywhere you may probably land up your ass... These are the stereotypes that tremble beneath the humorous city buses to saloon (provided it’s not owned by a bihari). Unfiltered speakers blaring like a annoying sound..half of the soundtracks sounds similar. Only lyrics are altered and the a bit variation with the tempo or beats( i mean saooooou of dhol in asomiya)and they advertise in commercial- new songs for you people. Wtf!! They will put one song by zubeen garg and compile it in a different case..after that cheap VCD will sell like hot dogs. I won’t talk the pirated versions it will beyond my tiny little brain to do the maths. Really half of the asomiya public buys that. Thank god im not one of them ,—“No bihu songs fits. Especially inside my head.” But for today that importance of those songs are different. Really i like to quote a line, more of a graffiti which my room mate wrote back in my hostel room. ` The further you go from where you stay,the closer you get from where you belong` .this adage holds true for those who outlives their family and dear ones. I know how it feels. We are like standing between individualism and materialism, frustratingly unambiguously true. Why are we running? For what? Happiness lies in trivia not in bigger stuffs. Small small joy matters but we never value them. We claim to know all the answers about all these,but what the use. Please someone cuts me some slack. Why are I’m writing all this. My life without family is not well-documented. No morose feeling, i or we chose that. Ugliest face of existing afar from family..uff i know you will say roop stop that now. At a time when we have grown weary of hearing such words and roop talks a reckless shit now. but what to do the significances of bihu is hard to miss. Many of the line are more sombre now i guess :P. You guys will not give a flying fuck to my lines and continue to live your lives in the way you want and believe me its right for you. Honestly, I don't care about the emotional dynamics of this whole thing, but I hate it here. i want to be in home. Atleats for today. Wish i had some magical shoes which could take me home .missing a lot today .among them what i miss most in guwahati is my room, it is just an extension of myself ,it got the stuffs which i love or value the most. My tapes.my CDs (once i was ranked as the top collector of metal videos not anymore) my novels, my newspaper cuttings, my guitar, my computer,my Philip powerhouse. 320 watts ..pounding fucking hard!.my bed,my doormate ,ceiling fan crapp !!what else..wait a room which is full with rock and metal poster. Not a single bit of cement to be seen. Like every night i used to sleep with like more than 400 musicians pictures. Haha i know a sane will find it hard to venture into my territory. Damn i miss my room now. When I was in guwhati, in bihu day,i used to get many new clothes like from my mama,mahi, pahi and from my two sisters.but the matter of fact was that i never wore any. I used to discard them to the needy. Didn’t like those cloths much. All sober looking cloths while i preferred black prints or plain black..i had like more than 35 black shirts. My mother used to get bewilder whenever i used to buy my next black shirt. May be she used to get confused which one to wash and which one not to wash. Later she stopped complaining as her fallacy about my shirts wear falling to black holed ears. Cause like everyday i used to change two three times. But now time have changed. i wear my best Indian clothes, shower them with liltle perfume, and be on my best behavior. days have changed and i have grown up.i cant act like a cocky fuckward now. It is to show i put on for those frat-type brown people around me, trying to convince them i wasn't uneducated,savage,wild exotic, half-savage beasts,and surely not one of them(from apocalypto movie). People here got a lot of misconceptions regarding my domicile.. i wonder do they really had geography as a subject in schools? This is what all this feels like.i am not blaming those village deeth . i mean educated one who claims to be civilised . yanking E series or Blackberry in small conversations. Can’t they spend like 5 mins from their schedule and discover what is there. Go wgaf!!Except, this world is one hell of a large class that can instruct them how to remain dumb and unaware about the hep and happening around, and I don't think anyone's going to agree to walking in a straight line. Morons. My blood boils now. Anyway. Dilligaf? Fuck off!So such high maintained moron should use their little intelligence to pine for girls and shove their money and brain wherever they thinks is best.For REAL, fact-based, anti-state, my suggestions trashing I would suggest that you too should take a look at what the expert professional rebel roop have to say :P
Doesn’t he sound crazy surreal and too awesome :D.. enough monkey on my back now and it aches.im okActually not really.. In real life it's more upset and accusing. Sometimes. My face that i wear .It is a face that makes me question what sort of person I am, and the tragic act of betrayal I was going to carry out by going to college/work// eat- performing the basic functions of life. It is not an easy face to forget..plenty of emotions swirling and clouding my head. So i talkshits. anyway im fine.I have finally gotten over my homesick anxiety problem.But till last year, when I had to leave for a semester vactions. I used to feel- nervous about where I'm going and what I'm going to do but mostly freaked out that everything I am leaving behind might change or collapse.i have changed now.i want to be in home forever now. Maybe my house will burn, all my friends will make new friends and forget all about me, or somebody will read my past and reveal my secrets to the world.i don’t know what was it.Since I have discovered the world-basically around the time when you are losing your minds to teenage angst and drama-I have been afraid of the unfamiliar. Teenage carved me and i am not doing anything great with my life now ,just improvising what i have done in my teenage days.Anyway i left office finally and i called my friends they we should call for a bihu party tonight. They yes its 7 pm then . i said fine..i was excited. Making plans. Damn- it will awesooooooome!! we will get sloshed tonight.i will be fucking high like a kite."I took bathe and i slept. I woke up at 5 and call my friend to pick me up at 6pm he said ok. I was getting bored so i decided to sit on computer until stupid time comes. I logged on to facebook.com but it sucked up like hell. Without flesh and superbug fb is boring. No good friends to chat with. I decided to check some articles. i called my friend after sometime again. its 6.40 now. i asked when he will be coming. He said wait for 20 mins .he was still in office. I said fuck what are you doing and try to come fast. We will be late . Party begins at 7 pm. Come fast esle we won’t be able to make it. He said I’m coming. I was becoming reckless. My head was becoming heavy. Its getting dark and i don’t know what to do . its 7.40 now and i ranged him again. Whats up now? Are you coming .he said no. i jarred fuck you and hung up. He spoiled my eve. I dunno know what to do now. I thought of venturing to a () and guzzle couple of () . And to add salt to my misery today was a (). Baba sahib ambedkar jayanti. I said why god?And i left with disappointed . i was sulked and i don’t know what to do. Its 9 pm and im outdoor.I was clueless. I saw a internet cafe and decided to go there. I thought of downloading some videos. My home internet connection fiends with me most of the time. More over i haven’t downloaded any stuffs for like last one year. Never felt the need of it. I download youtube downloader and started downloading some educational and metal videos. Opeth ,Aic videos i downloaded. Its 11 pm and i left the cafeteria and i ventured for some hotel to get a meal.i ordered paneer tika with tandoori roti. Like a glutton i finished it fast.i wanted to check the videos so i hurried to my room . i played the videos couple of time and played some air guitar . Some opeth track were so brutal that my sub woofers were shaking . Pounding high till 1 am and i dunno know when i fell asleep. I woke up at 6 am next day and headed to office. Really what a bihu eve. I will remember that. . who eyed my happiness ?

social butterflies

you must know somewhere someone is listenin to the thumping sound of your heart beats.im alone here too.. lost a lots of good friends to the promises of good education. They left me alone to chase their dreams.some abhor me as a radical, but like a saxophone solo i kept on playing the same. I was pure but your love corrupted my existence.i cant be the same .i was baptized my love. My whole is paralysed now. My sense cant think of any other genre to write upon. Why on earth i still typing all this without giving a second thought..its 10 pm now and my head is crowded . i put on my headphone and asked cannibal corpse to scream at top of their lungs. Rape my earpussy.i dnt wanna hear anything. straight to my ear..today im going to rape the repeat button listening to Make me suffer. The lyrics are embedded inthe thrash hold of my ear drums.the guttural voice and heavy riffs are pounding into my brains.contains all the basic ingredients to cause a havoc to my sweet feelings for someone.im hungry and i need some food..my ears are still ringing and its all sweaty. I switched off my system and headed to gorge for some flesh. But it sucked. I payed and left. Im done with it.. after all days work im tripping dead ass. I don’t have the brain power to think. I wnat to sleep now..its very warm here . as if im being registered officially to sleep inside a suitcase. Fuck i hate this arm failings. Im all sweaty. I again put the headphone and played fucking hostile..i donot know how many darkest time i have fucked with this track.my ears are ringing .im playing air guitars simply lying dormant.I cant sleep. I opened the windows for cross ventilation but mother fuckers mosquitoes are all ready to quench their libido with my blood. I went upstairs.Houseowner asked what happend beta?

I said it too hot inside i cant sleep. .why don’t u get me a Ac..middle aged morons. Fuck Sponsor me now, bitch! Thinks themselves to be social. While im not a social butterfly and im proud of it.

I dunno know what i was doing at this time underneath a crescent when i should be sleeping.I made up mind i wwill force myself to sleep. I went back tossing and turning, trying unsuccessfully to sleep..and i dunno when my mp3 played ninja and dodge off from my hands.

back to normalcy

My soul and my inner self were infused with pain and bitter words. Smelling the remnants heat and clouds of your memory..Perspiration, smooth sailing as of now from my mind. Remember the words that you spoke to me. memories smells so fresh. the first rain we shared. The first playing with you by the autumn foliage. Whenever am drenched in rainy season..Oval rain drops summarize all the feelings that the pounding heart could feel. Still afresh .reminds me of the slightest touch that could awaken me from any sleep when you left me. I drift to a place in a lost world so incredibly crafted that I lose my faith in the normalcy .and you said things will revert to soon . My nature being so ghastly different after we fell apart from the usual it often makes me wonder how well it still concurs with my feelings. I cried by the sleepless night aloud while thinking about you. But every time i sob i feel you were standing next to me and mocking at my misery index with a silent gaze. You said the Sun falls down whenever you wish and the moon would light up just to cheer the love up. But my plight was evident to me only. No other heart to feel that way I felt.. I schooled myself being a self broken up person to be strong who deserves to gauge all the pain index in lieu of loving you.., especially if it was an unpleasant parting of ways. Two hearts torn apart .. You left me hanging between a life which i didn’t want to.live.i wished my body perished like this..Its better after all then being showcased in you life’s outlet as a guy whom you no longer care for. My glimmering eyes are bleeched and no more long for your return..your memories pierced me like a shards of shatterd hope..my life was battered.. my leafs was under foliage. Left alone in a barren valley of nothingness. while you standing with a vision so colourful.meeting new people and well cocooned to a new life. Knew you can do that. But at least for a minute you didn’t try to paint my arduous gloomy sky with love or with caring words.
I said you are a lured princess but I was mistaken... And it should be that way..arrogantly and being cocky am writing all this with such uncourteous of disrespect.i don’t blame you too.i know heart is soft it can be easily punched. But let me tell me you I too lost my self respect in doing all this. If feelings are not unfurled they got no values and when i did so. I tend to lose all the respect .remember taht was the case .really do you think i set my standards so low that i fell for you. Thank goodness I came to my senses once again after we fell apart . I got hold of my life remote control. i wil tame my heart with lots of instruction now. I wont suffer from prolong self deterioration. For everyone out there it i want to say there is nothing called love. a waste. i can bowl you over with multitude of instances, wherein you're going to lose your respect while saying all this,like i did for someone who will not feel anything about you, despite ones respect meant a lot to a person. The thing that you value, is not at all important for the other half or person.Life can be hellish. Days can be so gruelling. sleepless nights can be silent when you awake and a envisage floats around.. Divine feeling may be. That is how I felt.I’ve recently taken a shine to check the nature of my own thought out. Only me. A lots of things churning inside my head right now..But I’m controlling when writing this. I am trying hard to cling to my past so hard merely may be i will get back to those miserable days thinking about you. The fact that like any other mortal if I lose my control over my life i will char it by my hands and i will ravage what i have crafted since childhood. and I’ll be damned and destroyed.its better to run as fast as i can. But how much one may not run the bloody past chases and knocks him down. The lasso of remnants is tied to the feet. I am is simply defied then cause the very existence would have taken off by you. My brewing miseries which only no could gauge.how i suffered a sweet pain. its my past that carves my present.I want to restart my life. Like a brand new start where i will be careful before trading my heart with anyone else.I am divided with all of this now, i have to be strong.i have to pick my leftover and frame myself with a smile . I am scared of the continuing pain it recedes every second of my time. wasted a lot of me in those hurting. It hurts and burns holes down my chest. a feeling that froze my soul, my head,my sense and every bit of me. Really what was that..can’t think of anything. On some lost days I think the pain has become my life and is all that defines me. But my solitude has proved to be my best medicine and time has be a best balm to erase all the wounds and pain. Which is unseen to others? And it is indeed the pain that makes me feel alive these days. My life is resurrected from the past. A lot of stuffs grew in me..Really those things that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Makes you more suitable to this society. Cause after a lot of scrutiny all I found that my sense of reality was diminishing to that of a electron. But I’m back to my momentum now .i paced myself with a new start. No more in a lie. a sky white. A smile on my facade which is true. a heart to forgive the person who made me cry..no more under the blackned sky of doubt existence. I’d be more amused if it resided in a node, would’ve been more certain. How days passed when pain makes it real for me rest everything feels alienated at that time.made me felt like a dog who was crying and howling in pain trapped in your love cage .but my yearning was not responded and it proved to be the key for my freedom.I kept surrendering to my own thoughts which turn in myriad ways. writing and posting in blogs for love slopes. But i went blind .you wrote it so twisted and can’t make up my own mind. Kept me longing for more.im sick of all this now liek a failed army. Getting infatuated with you made me more of a zombie. Kept me struggling to make a balance between two worlds. One where i think and one where others make me think..and you kept me cliff hanging which way should i hang .a world where you live or a world where i think i should live. But then that is life. You said i owe my happiness.so i had to live for myself. It goes on like nothing happened before.I dunno what made me swallow my pain or the winds that let my mind storm out. The only stable thing here is the consistency of blues in life now. i feel great that things are revert to normalcy.. My life picture seems more serene yet sober to me now. You taught me where to draw lines between life’s. How to fall and arise from ones brokenness. But then yet again I like ranting sometimes in your memories. Maybe it’s a movie or a song..seeing the people holding each other arms is searingly painful ordeals i could experience but i profoundly know its something weird to picture all that with you. But i shake myself .leaving all those untouched memories crystal clear of you....

how can one derive the ultimate conclusion that your loved one is better off with me? I know to derive such statement whitout knowing is stupid.. an excuse to refrain for taking that leap of faith is a whole different topic. impulsive first love from that of seasoned love? somebody please help.. i reached a gray area with her .how foolish haha..but i promised myself not to entertain myself with such stupidity again. In her imagination i was in likeness to a star, adored from a distance,you made a ambiguity out my life. Fuelling the flame of my dreams with hope was too a stupidity.

hostile parasite in me

Bullets ..Silent scream..My own recipe of hatred..I have moved so far..Still I’m behind..My evolution is still a slow process..I can’t read my alphabets aloud..My eyes aches my ear drums bleeds..Feels like soaking them in your blood..I want to move..I want to ride in a highway..I want to feel the dusty roads..I want to see a white day. I want to live.Cant read the cryptic signs of humans..Still i want to run..Im still unknown to me..A apathetic existence..A evolution from disgrace..I feel guilty..I return to my now dust..I really feel outcast...For the sins i didn’t commit..I have become my own lie..I dont preach insanity to you..It’s simple me. The endless fornicating with life i endured while i missed myself into countless hours
im a narcissist and tragically flawed i wish i was above my own dark emotions
but sadly i cant even comprehend my own intentions..
i used to cry alot when i started this blog... slowly lost my respect in the process of finding myself.
my evolution is still a very slow process .a depth within me which is beyond to gauge..a pattern of me so lucid still so complex.im lost in my own latitudes ..i still find my life beyond my trajectories ..my fragile self is too hard for you to neglect..i can’t see how others counted on me..my existence is not been schooled by the people around me..i learned myself ..kind of impossible to drink water from my life banks..Coz i don’t have any.im a creek of dark napalm always ready to get charred ..im impossible to scramble ..May be causes are many but the pain is perpetual..still i press my lips with pain when i try to revise myself..i don’t wanna read myself..my chapters are burned by thermo oxidative shits..And the left over part of me is too cryptic to apprehend..My life is a fast lane now..Feels like I’m standing on a moving wheel..But you can always find me..Always.. Exposed in my brokenness .always smiling and telling the world about my pain...Bearing my dark soul to this world..Till my whole existence descends...but i won’t whim if u give me a empty stare too..i will still be unknown to many .

let me go forever

Once upon a time I was in love,pain ,morose but now im fine..time proved to be the best healer .me being a jerk always above, fell in love with a princess of charm flawed perfectly in those mesmerising eyes, her words ,her text Shared affection, senses atune, never felt so alive. Never my heart caresses for such a b`ful lark..but why we are apart

Letting her go to a world, state of mind,so cold..i heard her saying. u painted my world with pain and anguish, left a world so cold..but i swear i never meant to do that .

An illusion deceivingly realilty ..so afar still so close..

Daunting her lies,my heart manipulatively appealed..i guess it deemed me to be a fool to fall for her..still i miss her by nocturnal hours.. time I went on a rollercoaster ride,my heart pounding heavy. My senses frosted. i went numb..but now I’m ok .Flying in somersaults, refraining thoughts of its subside, Entered a world of colour aglow,but your words proved like a gale devastating every love seeds i sowed..but now don’t blame me .you reaped what you sowed. stand up girl show me what i have done to you..i know..i know..What more can i say..just let me go..i can’t suspended in your wings unharmed..

Submerged in feelings, mind only came second in tow.Honesty,

All i ask of you,is you..i know im a fool .Tell me now you cant do that ..those words u spoke were addressed to someone else, if this you cannot do...then say

You verbalized a love with words so untrue,

And it was, as far as i knew, I missed you so and looked for you, but you are lost now

Not a shadow or word you spoke cant see you still i have such an envisage of you so vivid..floating around my chrome..Distanced yet so intensified all we had,

But why'd you left up like that?!

you told me to spare ur heart.. smiled and i said fine .Bleed... jaded by the first consort,

Your silence only left distraught.

Why? why? just tell me so,Speak of truth and i'll willingly let you go, do u think of me in your day and night dreams. Not even the decency,You left me hanging, alone... thinking...she loves me /she loves me not Im sick of such mindgames..such wordplays.

So deeply lost in silence,ahh why stil i miss you ..but im fine

Speak now and forever i shall hold my peace, do you love me ?

But no, cowardly you let your blog post to tell a story, a bizarre

the more you write the more u fuel my thoughts of distort..

Introduced hatred i never knew, Pleading to hear it from your lips, speak now..silence is not at a welcome eloquence Let confusion end,let my wings flip..else chop it down for my sake..i cant pick my shattered piece of heart...Confirm a conclusion,The only stable thing here is the consistency of blues in life. Let me mourn and release concern.My love is like a dying old man’s skin.The last to know and through your words, Left to punctuate by myself,But then yet again I like ranting. Forgive me love but all i have is spite.in memory of those gone.againn I was free falling so fast,innumerable ways let me have this one chance of letting myself go.

I was scared, oblivious how long it would last,To let go was my inner fear my heart ..

Control, restraints, analyzing..but i failed to ur words again and again..but i know u will completely abjure..saying those words were meant for you..yes I can tell, some love stories were made to be wasted. my fairytale collapsed ,Im not naïve, pain, hardships, tears played on cue,Though I choose to focus on the magic,it didn’t work..my words are no good Not the instances that only u could portray my life as tragic, my teenage as a radical

I thought i memorized you but i stand corrected, anytime.everytime.cause deep within im the only one Torturing lies of deceit ,Astray you led, for me to find you,

It was not love but mere selfish desire..such a pathetic freak i was

a story ill cherished , freak i was really .Embedded in my thoughts, an encounter to relish,

a past I knew, But now it has concluded, its time for you to open a chapter anew..best wishes

a sms

The minute you think of
giving up any relation,
think of the reason why
you held it so long....

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