back to normalcy

My soul and my inner self were infused with pain and bitter words. Smelling the remnants heat and clouds of your memory..Perspiration, smooth sailing as of now from my mind. Remember the words that you spoke to me. memories smells so fresh. the first rain we shared. The first playing with you by the autumn foliage. Whenever am drenched in rainy season..Oval rain drops summarize all the feelings that the pounding heart could feel. Still afresh .reminds me of the slightest touch that could awaken me from any sleep when you left me. I drift to a place in a lost world so incredibly crafted that I lose my faith in the normalcy .and you said things will revert to soon . My nature being so ghastly different after we fell apart from the usual it often makes me wonder how well it still concurs with my feelings. I cried by the sleepless night aloud while thinking about you. But every time i sob i feel you were standing next to me and mocking at my misery index with a silent gaze. You said the Sun falls down whenever you wish and the moon would light up just to cheer the love up. But my plight was evident to me only. No other heart to feel that way I felt.. I schooled myself being a self broken up person to be strong who deserves to gauge all the pain index in lieu of loving you.., especially if it was an unpleasant parting of ways. Two hearts torn apart .. You left me hanging between a life which i didn’t want to.live.i wished my body perished like this..Its better after all then being showcased in you life’s outlet as a guy whom you no longer care for. My glimmering eyes are bleeched and no more long for your return..your memories pierced me like a shards of shatterd hope..my life was battered.. my leafs was under foliage. Left alone in a barren valley of nothingness. while you standing with a vision so colourful.meeting new people and well cocooned to a new life. Knew you can do that. But at least for a minute you didn’t try to paint my arduous gloomy sky with love or with caring words.
I said you are a lured princess but I was mistaken... And it should be that way..arrogantly and being cocky am writing all this with such uncourteous of disrespect.i don’t blame you too.i know heart is soft it can be easily punched. But let me tell me you I too lost my self respect in doing all this. If feelings are not unfurled they got no values and when i did so. I tend to lose all the respect .remember taht was the case .really do you think i set my standards so low that i fell for you. Thank goodness I came to my senses once again after we fell apart . I got hold of my life remote control. i wil tame my heart with lots of instruction now. I wont suffer from prolong self deterioration. For everyone out there it i want to say there is nothing called love. a waste. i can bowl you over with multitude of instances, wherein you're going to lose your respect while saying all this,like i did for someone who will not feel anything about you, despite ones respect meant a lot to a person. The thing that you value, is not at all important for the other half or person.Life can be hellish. Days can be so gruelling. sleepless nights can be silent when you awake and a envisage floats around.. Divine feeling may be. That is how I felt.I’ve recently taken a shine to check the nature of my own thought out. Only me. A lots of things churning inside my head right now..But I’m controlling when writing this. I am trying hard to cling to my past so hard merely may be i will get back to those miserable days thinking about you. The fact that like any other mortal if I lose my control over my life i will char it by my hands and i will ravage what i have crafted since childhood. and I’ll be damned and destroyed.its better to run as fast as i can. But how much one may not run the bloody past chases and knocks him down. The lasso of remnants is tied to the feet. I am is simply defied then cause the very existence would have taken off by you. My brewing miseries which only no could gauge.how i suffered a sweet pain. its my past that carves my present.I want to restart my life. Like a brand new start where i will be careful before trading my heart with anyone else.I am divided with all of this now, i have to be strong.i have to pick my leftover and frame myself with a smile . I am scared of the continuing pain it recedes every second of my time. wasted a lot of me in those hurting. It hurts and burns holes down my chest. a feeling that froze my soul, my head,my sense and every bit of me. Really what was that..can’t think of anything. On some lost days I think the pain has become my life and is all that defines me. But my solitude has proved to be my best medicine and time has be a best balm to erase all the wounds and pain. Which is unseen to others? And it is indeed the pain that makes me feel alive these days. My life is resurrected from the past. A lot of stuffs grew in me..Really those things that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Makes you more suitable to this society. Cause after a lot of scrutiny all I found that my sense of reality was diminishing to that of a electron. But I’m back to my momentum now .i paced myself with a new start. No more in a lie. a sky white. A smile on my facade which is true. a heart to forgive the person who made me cry..no more under the blackned sky of doubt existence. I’d be more amused if it resided in a node, would’ve been more certain. How days passed when pain makes it real for me rest everything feels alienated at that time.made me felt like a dog who was crying and howling in pain trapped in your love cage .but my yearning was not responded and it proved to be the key for my freedom.I kept surrendering to my own thoughts which turn in myriad ways. writing and posting in blogs for love slopes. But i went blind .you wrote it so twisted and can’t make up my own mind. Kept me longing for more.im sick of all this now liek a failed army. Getting infatuated with you made me more of a zombie. Kept me struggling to make a balance between two worlds. One where i think and one where others make me think..and you kept me cliff hanging which way should i hang .a world where you live or a world where i think i should live. But then that is life. You said i owe my happiness.so i had to live for myself. It goes on like nothing happened before.I dunno what made me swallow my pain or the winds that let my mind storm out. The only stable thing here is the consistency of blues in life now. i feel great that things are revert to normalcy.. My life picture seems more serene yet sober to me now. You taught me where to draw lines between life’s. How to fall and arise from ones brokenness. But then yet again I like ranting sometimes in your memories. Maybe it’s a movie or a song..seeing the people holding each other arms is searingly painful ordeals i could experience but i profoundly know its something weird to picture all that with you. But i shake myself .leaving all those untouched memories crystal clear of you....

how can one derive the ultimate conclusion that your loved one is better off with me? I know to derive such statement whitout knowing is stupid.. an excuse to refrain for taking that leap of faith is a whole different topic. impulsive first love from that of seasoned love? somebody please help.. i reached a gray area with her .how foolish haha..but i promised myself not to entertain myself with such stupidity again. In her imagination i was in likeness to a star, adored from a distance,you made a ambiguity out my life. Fuelling the flame of my dreams with hope was too a stupidity.