Self-Poisoned

I can feel the synergy that rushes inside me everyday.
The fragile art of surviving
Fighting each day, each second with self.
I quietly breathe the effluvium of the brunt me.
Inch by inch obliterating the person who I was.
I walk through the ruins,all charred cognitive.
Cyanide Christ thriving on me.
Marshalling to chafe all, to make I a new man.
So determined,so obstinate.
To led a life like others.
Not trying to think about the fragments, that was once me.
I plagued them all.
Solitude scares me,
I seek chaos,a new order dissonance.

:'(

I was in a comprising position.  I couldn't say, I couldn't defend. I felt it deep,when he put his tool inside of me.I was there lying supine, I failed to act. He even drugs me consciously , this time I tried to protest, but he said it will make the pain go away, I trusted him. He later drilled me, kept on drilling, till my cup was full. He asked me to spit, I obeyed him like a slave. I made some arbitrary hand gestures, he understood, he let me catch up a breadth. He obstinately kept on drilling. This time non-stop.
I was totally numb, I felt afraid. I tried to close my eyes, he asked me to keep it open, he said else I will start visualizing something else. I wondered,will it stop me from thinking about my mouth, or he gonna put a muzzle to spice up the act.I was totally submissive, I kept it wide open. He used different tools later, he inserted them one by one, from smaller to bigger ones.I saw them all.
My tongue didn't interfere with his operations. Tongue might had felt lonely too, like I felt that evening on his chair. Or may be it feels lonely all the time among other tooth, I didn't think about it all these while.
It felt helpless too like I did, by what the dentist was doing to his friend `teeth`  :'(

#22/5/15

22nd May(May not be).Forced to be a gemini.

22nd , born in a vacuum.
My body was out for scrutiny.
Gods came down, solved some complex equations.
Juggled me between zodiacs.
After sometime I was thrown,
Someone yelled "Put him in a Gemini Box"
They strapped me,
There I was,cellophane tapped,helpless...
Forced into a shoe-box, packed.
I was delirious too,
Next morning I didn’t know where I was,
Smelt something strange,
Maybe it was a hospital ward.
I didn’t complain.
After so many years I think, I should have.

Cascade and the effervesces.
 Lighting up the dark corners.

Fabled stories...scuttling and lurking, to shy......

 People murmuring....

love winged up: of our love.

The cosmos felt like attached, a feeling of togetherness

With a melody, cadence in the universe.

Stars pell-mell, to listen to us.

As lips volubly meets....

Sky spreading itself, with beautiful confetti.

Yet we lie naked in our truth..........

The pique of pain I am damned to breathe, I inhale and exhale, it just goes it and rot the lungs inside of me. I tried hard to expel it,  but the pain grows and burgeon.The air reeks of the rotten human bonds, values. The hope is being vanquished and slewed.
I am feeling so weak, so out of sap. I could visualize the broken images, daubed with filth,but I can`t find myself in it anymore. All the memories are forlorn, dampened.
 My stories, I wrote, with all the wrong words. In the silence, it did create a meaningless liber and in chaos it hide itself, to frightful, to scared to unfurl itself, words writhing in pain, sobbing. My stories find themselves alone,maybe lost in the  humdrum of deafing shrills of people. Sccumbed many years back, now it tries to run
 away from all. The heart of the story now only tires to sing the rural songs, in the trodden lane it tries to walk alone.
The fading line of insanity and the dark shade of truth and in between I could find myself trapped, willowing in a subtle pain.
How much it may be inflict,still I need to keep the smile on my face,
its a demand, you can call it a way to show how brave I am. Somethings you can emote,some you cant.......

I try to  manage an open mind. I read, read anything, good,bad, everything. It leads to a war, that reckons inside, raging with fury, blurring the thought patterns, yet I seem to be okay from outside. Managing my inner demons and guiding angels. It’s a fatiguing thing to do,indeed.

The shadows of a flame seems flickering when the wind blows. The wick of the lamp seems ugly, all hasten; when the flame lit off and a dark plumes soars, its more uglier. It is sometime good to put a hand as a jacket and save that flame, at least we can enjoy the shapeless silhouette, black yet fabulous. Life needs to be trimmed, sometimes  from the tides or ferocious waves,we all need to feel protected sometime in life, until we are safe,just to enjoy the land, to reach a far way land with tales to share, with stories to lived for.

Rational

Time has seen heroes,villains,losers. It has transformed lovers to poets,
sick men and rational thinks into transgression,patriots and revolutionist. Time has seen changes, changes for good or bad, some of them are massive ,some are infinitesimally slow,yet it’s a change. It has seen some of wise men making unwise decisions,and fools becoming king,but like a mute spectator it watched.It sometime instigate my anger,forcing me to grab it by hands and rattle him up,slew it until it awakens.
Forcing to take a role, to act, to bring down the decaying society.

State of non-being.

Feeling weak can`t be put along with adjectives of vices. Its natural to feel so,weak,broken; when you find the world turning cold to you.When you realize, the shield you holded for so long,is heavily now,at times when the wield slips away from your grip. You feel like begging,you feel shattered, to death.When loved one departs; times when the richest kings becomes a pauper. Such is the law of life and death, you are bound to feel weak,sometimes.

It`s all right to feel non-being,sometimes.

19/5/15

Voices inside your head, you put them to sleep now.They are weary.You poisoned the old you.You slowly let it helm down,when did you killed the youth,and the vigor. You have forgotten the old you. You, are rustic now.Ruptured, and deliriously of the rosy life you are living,married, father to kids, still you long of that you in you.  Years you have passed, deluding, slipping  it to the sand of time, on the other covering your desires.Burying it by seconds,minutes,days, month and years into the avalanche of the ticking clock, choking self by day and night. Asking the same redundant questions to self,did I worth living, did I make it big.The answers, you already knew.Its resonating inside of you..NO..No..Slowly it intensifies,amplifying, deafening you.You hide in the shadow, trying to act quite,to blend in,but its late now,you can`t pacify for the false life you lived.Long time, the discussion with your self was over, it was just the final call.You lost a battle,you failed to prove yourself.

Ugly.Weird.Callous.

I open the tab and plug myself in.

An internal maze, to obfuscate the head.

Social network, ain`t helping much in socializing .

A new bridal outfit, or a sponsored trip to foreign land,picture uploaded.

I ain`t liking.

We scroll the pages, we  overlook most of it.

A beautiful image.

A beautiful life.

Sufficed with rasp ugliness, to fuck with my head.

Sitting alone, internet a portal to a weird world.

Unknown people, unknown lives floating around,

Ugliness decrepit as I open the same page of life,

again and again.....

kid

A chewed bubblegum, chewed again.

Piquancy with a gaunt look.

How to make a kid from stop doing that, a challenge.

Trying to be an activist of some kid,

Tried cheery with a obtrude stem, beautiful, picture perfect.

Yet, brat won`t eat that.
Rubbing the mucus out of his nose,pulling it in,
He finds the utmost delight.

Humungous effort drains and died

Like the juice from the chewed piece of gum.

He could ruminate it whole day.

He likes it more than a cow like its grass.

Slapping and opening his mouth, won`t solve the matter.

Better get me a new gum, bleuggah!!!