leaps

Musty cell and noisy streets was distressing me and I want to come out from that cocoon. The room was too choking now .I wanted a change from all those things that used to haunt me. After my office the room had proved to be a host for my colleague who came and discussed everything from official talk to vulgar ones which was not at all welcomed by me. I don’t want to sound like a social outcast to deny them from coming. I had already faced a lot of crap so it better not to get them more. I couldn’t sound harsh or rude in behaving after all one-third of my day would be passed with their company only...I wanted more time for my desolate existence. I wanted to stay alone for some days but in the presence of my friends it was not at all happening. Most of them were married and their places can’t be a place for such gossips. After office hours I had started my search for a new room a bit far away office. Every evening after work I used to grope for room...I saw many rooms some reasonable, some posh one too...but what got my attention was one room a bit far away from the city...the room had a ceiling at the apex which was whitewashed. A single room with and a cluttered kitchen with a cemented slab and a water basin. It turned red form its greyish cement colour due to the iron content in the water... Perfect for me. The window was bolted with a barricade of grill which some metal leaves had painted green soldered to it. To one corner a wooden rack was placed which some old rages and little old newspaper had turned yellow...perfect exempli of thermo oxidative reactions. Some terracotta articles hanged by the side of the window which were totally useless for my edifice. Outside the window a money plant could be seen creped with a help of a spindling trellis with some other plants. A black steel chair too scaffold by the corner and a wooden bed by the dark corner of the room... These furniture’s were ornamented the room. A bulb place above the entrance door and by to it right switched was there... the door was incredibly hard which dint open with an ease. But it goes smooth with me.
Three rooms were for rented straight in a row. The last from was taken by a couple while seeing the room a caught an eye with the lady. She walked in such a killing gait in the soil she was delving that defines her haste towards some mysterious radiance.
She tucked up her abundant hair with a cue-tip from where soft strands of hair were escaping to heartthrob any young man desires. It would be wrong to say about married women in such way but I couldn’t stop my mind from having those. I was admired and there nothing wrong in doing that as far it’s within us.
~so are you coming to take this the lady asked the she came out the room
~yeah. Planning so ~ I don’t know what to say so words slipped of its own. I had to reply, it’s something basic etiquette's.
~so you are coming alone~
~yes. Why? ~it sprung idiotically through my head. Later I realised that was not
~nah just like that~infancly she replied.
~its ok. Nevermind. So who stays in the middle room~
~no one its empty? The earlier family left few days back. They wanted more area~~
~which room you are going to take~
~the corner room. By the way im dilip...I work in the STATEFED .I bobbed up to introduce myself and I subdued with a brief description of myself. She smiled and glowed portentously.
~ I am lahki, my husband bapon is a librarian in river side school. ~
~ nice to know about you~
.it was really nice to know about that family than. I choose the corner one as it looked quite ok .bathroom were at the other end and a hand pump for water. A tried to draw water so handled the shaft, it was too tight tough so demanded a bit effort. The water was quite smelly but the owner said to use a handmade filter. I could already see a version of it. Gravel, sand, coal in a mustard oil can was used in architecture such filter. So I had to make one. There were three such filters lied up in a row maybe left by the families who earlier lived. It was quite absurd why the lady owner asked for any filter. Seemed like she is going to exhibit those and the best will be an awarded. Another more made filter to make the row longer. It made me laugh.
The area was free from much surrounding residences and it merely 15 minutes walk to the bus-stop. The ally to the bus-stop was a beauty in it seemed like it been carved from the woods. The house owner was a lady and a widow. May be she was in her late 70`s. house rent was 200 rupees and she gave two three notification before renting it to me. One monthly rent before 10th of every month and no lady in the room. I was comfortable with both her amendments which ought to be followed by me. Money was not at all an issue but lady was what I had planned no more to seek.
I had already paid 200 as advance money to that lady and asked her regarding my shifting of room this Saturday. And she made no offence to my words. I was too buzzed up as too keen for a change. An alternation from the monotonous routine.
I haven’t said any of my colleagues regarding my shifting though I would be needing some assistance from them. But I was too reluctant to take help. So I kept to myself and thought of some labours help while shifting stuffs though I only a bed and a table in sake to name them as furniture and a radio and few cloths. That’s it.
This Saturday was an official leave for second Saturday so it sounds ok to dedicate it name of shifting.
Saturday has final knocked and it was time for shifting. I took an auto as it was equally spacious for my stuffs.
It was Saturday; I lied in bed until my head tends to become heavy. Finally got up but this head tends to stuck me. I shifted by the mid-day. When I’m done Bapon and lakhi got in and darted expertly about the room as an x-ray machine. Bapon face was gleaming in day light and forward his hand for a handshake. I too forwarded mine for the same. While lakhi stranded.
~does it look to messy because of the arrangement~ I look to them with a coral orifice shaped mouth.
~its ok...you could have asked for my help~ bapon said labouring to move the curtain that had some flowery patterns.
~I hardly have any stuffs just few cloths and an old radio. Rest the necessary furniture’s were already available and no cooking utensils though as I take food outside. Cooking and the washing are really pain-taking. ~
~ you need to get a wife then~
`I went numb again somebody had again cease to poke tongue into my wounds. Things whose answer I don’t want to share. It hurts to even recall them. If I would say bapon the reason why I don’t want to get married then a squeal of question will follow. The very reason for my anguish... in the midst of the conversation I tried to gear up to some other topic.
~wife in lieu of hotel food~ I stated with a triumphant laugh and stretched.
~ Why you want to eat in hotel through your life. Marriage is just a step to climb a social ladder. Children are signs of your progress to other step else you slide down .it’s a divine feeling you? ~ bapon said
~what If I refuse to climb that and stay at the ground. Will I not be happy? ~ I don’t know what I was saying but I had to sound quite bold so I replied in that manner. Though I was not confident in my answer but I dint let him feel so. He could have contradicted me in my ways but he didn’t. I knew he could had talked about sexual desires but he didn’t touched those topic as it was first meeting and one can’t be sarcastic in his words.
~ It’s up to you~
~ we are here always if get fed up with the hotel food. Just get yourself invite beforehand. We can’t see you always standing at the bottom of the ladder~ he giggled.
~ thanks for hospitality~
the house owner too poked in to see my shifted room. She too had no one to look after her. A widow and a mother of a doctor daughter who had shifted to another place with her husband and left her. Her daughter does make some weekly visit but I don’t know why she doesn’t force her to stay with her. People behaviour is too circuiting to understand...She had a maid servant who looks after her and her health. She had been staying with her since her childhood. Really how suppressing to know how are fabric of life is been coloured. Some have the entire bright colour while other has no colour at all. She had no other choice then to live this lifeless life. I didn’t show much interest in her life.
I want to get isolation as much as I could. I had started to keep myself as busy I could to forgot the scar of the past. Idle time haunts me that pain. Even now hated to mingle much with Bapon and Lakhi. And their repeated offering of tea too pinched me as it showed much pathetic side of me. Days passed by and I was quite able to cut all the social relation. I used to work in office till late and its only room to office and office to room. I suffered from insomnia and relied on pills for a sound sleep... but I guess had some other plans for me. I was breaking down due to much deprecations and deterioration was quite escalating. I was looking much older then I was. Improper food habits and improper had made me suffer. Bapon sometimes asked me about my change of behaviour my looking at my face. And I always denied by as I was like that only and I was fine. I was living on health pills. Now I had to skip office work as I couldn’t work also. Afternoon and night meal too became quite periodic negligence as I had to go to hotel for that and I couldn’t have much stamina for two time meal. Bacon and Lakhi realised about my change and always asked whether I was ok or not. But time came when I could even get up from bed also even for sanitary. Bapon and lakhi took me to the hospital for my check-up and took every basic medical amenity. They took care of my daily medical dose and food. I was given daily breakfast and meals. There self less care helped me to recover soon. To better say I got a reincarnation for this family. They were very happy when I got well. I shameless had to thank them as proved humanity come first then the blood relations. I couldn’t understand how I could pay them back for their favour. Money looks a cheap means to their repay for their doings. Or should I gift them something? But I had no ideas what to? May a dine together. It looks quite nice then they other too at least we all be involved in that.
After I got completely well and could carry out my regular habits I brought meat and fishes and got myself invited for a meal...and they didn’t mind. That day I came to know that lakhi was good in kitchen too.
My barbs after the meal confessed it though words didn’t came out. And we all understood.
~how was the dinner dilip~ bapon
~ really tasty. But all the credits go to lahki. She cooks too well. You’re lucky to have a wife like her~

~ enough of my praising... and remember you have to take care about your food habits from now own. No more of outside food...~ lahki frowned while saying
~ I will see to it~ I said ~\\
~hey I have an idea why don’t you take diner every night with us~ bapon
I don’t know how bapon thought of that. It looks too weird to take diner with a couple who I had known only for last 30 days. And they are inviting me for diner. I was in a state of dilemma how to reply to their proposal. I had to refuse hotel food as it was not good for my health and its only 3 days I have fully recovered and I don’t want to again fell in bed.
~yeah that will good. You really need homemade food~~

~but~ I murmured
~no but it’s done you are taking meal from tomorrow on...~
~I have one condition too~
~yeah and what will that~
~I will shop all the grocery then~
~ fine then its final~
I thought it’s a balanced proposal . At least it looks quite feasible invitation now. Every morning they offered me a delight full breakfast, lunch and dinner. . Life was going well. In the next few days after my stay I learned that surprising a lot of people are there around who know how to establish a relation. That family living one room apart occasionally started to invite me for tea and snacks but it seemed quite awkward to visit them daily. I always had some plans to deny their invitation. It came to my notice that hails from a nearby village; I could get it by their talking accent. I never asked them in person because I don’t want get too grooved to those people who were quite friendlier to me. I wanted to spend most my time alone. Bapon and lakhi the couple I guess knew I had some relation breakdown, may be they assumed it so they showed sympathy on my assortment. It was likely anytime they tried to be nice to me. I do sometime fail to reject them for a cup of tea. And they really proved to be a good host. They started good-good topic in front of the tea table. From politics to movies and bapon really was a man of good taste and quite educated.
Now I found a reason to live whose meaning I tend to forget. Working in office too got a positive vibe. After office hours I used to get some fishes or vegetables for diner. Bapon and lakhi shared jokes and lighter moments with me...bapon had always insisted me to get married but I was too reluctant to heed them. As I was not ready for such a serious relationship...to better say I was afraid of changes. I always used to deny them by saying, after sometime. Time passed and I have developed a serious relationship with that family and a strong bond developed among us. Bapon had left his family with his wife. Earlier he used to do some job in the local post- office as he had passed his matriculation and at our times that was looked upon with great respect. But he quit his job as after his family were harassing his new wedded wife and both of them has to face bitter words from his family. Bapon and lakhi could not take it anymore and one day decided to leave. Bapon that day said in front of his three brothers that he doesn’t need a single inch of his ancestral land. Lakhi was very badly behaved by her sister in-laws when her husband’s used to be out for service. There bitter work forked her all day long. Bapon father and mother were also against them. But they could never found out what was the reason behind it. Even his parents only accepted. Lakhi as their daughter in-law. Nau- bowari (newly wedded bride) have-not got when it was meant to be. Well they guessed she was not good anymore or whatever. But bapon could see all this happening to his wife and decided to leave to guwahati. He was sure to get a job as his qualification couldn’t get unnoticed. Within four days he got a job in a bank. Then after he is living in such a way. Bapon do used to visit his village near mirza. Never used to go to his family. He spend time with his salas and salis .whenever we strum those thread from past sometime. So we tend to avoid them... we always cracked jokes and lighter topics to amuse us.
Lakhi was accepting a baby and we were very happy I couldnt hold my feelings,it never happened to me before as if it was my baby . I was too delighted to name her .her face looked so pure, so unselfish... her septum drooling through her mouth seems like full honey pot tilting. In 1970, their first daughter was born. Relative from lakhi came to visit her. I too took leave for a week. I and bapon looked after the household
Work and let her relax. They asked us to name the baby and I felt so privileged. I felt all my days of melancholy were over and a new chapter of vivid coloured had opened for me. I was lost to my apathy... I named here dupahi. She was growing as the days passed . Most of my evening was passed.
I used to sing her lullaby which I had to learn for her. She refused to sleep with her mother and slept with me. Later for her. She refused to sleep with her. In mind that I need a symbiotic relationship with that family. All through my youth I had suffered and I want it to be different now. There will be times when I want to announce an upcoming event, a breakthrough or change in life which I seek etc. many that could be brought out by this family. I was afraid to lose them. Life only a rhythm and we should know how to make it sound better by using our own words. .we is free to think. We are free to live. I had chosen what I want to do. How that has treated them in the past will affect what kind of coverage I will get and whether it is good or not.
The strumming life can supply us with some very valuable free coverage and coverage that is 3rd hand. This coverage gives credibility to what you are doing or saying.
And should something happen that could be negative, life may write the story whether we cooperate or not. For the most part, it is better to have your comments included rather than them only having half the facts or speculation to go on.

If it is a special event that will last for a long, coffee, treats and smiles go a long way with having them stay and giving good coverage.
This can be a metaphor for many areas in our lives. Ask yourself, “How am I treating the people in my life that can help me the most?
When I was a youth, I received some of the best hurting of the dear ones that I was looking after their doings. I had some people ask me what was wrong with my brother. And this time when they have asked me to share a house I should deny it. Again I don’t feel alone. I am doing so great with such wonderful people around me. And for my own selfless pride I could let them go away from me. I decided no more thinking on such points. It’s now or never.
~ Perfection is infinity and it’s already within us swami Vivekananda. So I will die trying for perfection but will die trying. What we need to sought is what we get. Happiness is just a pursuit who`s mere glance is enough.

AUTUMN FOLIAGE

AUTUMN FOLIAGE
Sometime the earth may laugh or play when the breeze blows. The cryptic shades of the nature sometimes shackle the surroundings but everything has a hidden meaning of happiness incorporate to it..changes are important .they sometimes rope us to teach lesson to survive or have some veiled package of happiness..which we need to discover. Happiness lies in trivia not necessary in bigger things..sometime ugly or adverse situations swell our confidence to a level which make us strong enough to discard our feral thoughts...it’s up to us how we decipher the meaning..Sometimes it’s associated with success or sometimes happiness. Happiness is all around us it just that we swept it under the carpet..it’s like the musk of the deer that is rested in the belly of the deer and he wanders restlessly from forest to forest searching for the divine fragrance. The only light that needs to shine is the light of our mind. How we find happiness is in our own hands. Or to better say we owe our own happiness..A newborn baby gives joy to the family or someone gets happiness by doing charity. Or some people get happiness by helping others. Some may find happiness in lying in his or her lovers arm...or some people find happiness by living his/ her own life for others. So the definition of happiness varies from person to person. It’s how we creek our way to through this life. How we make a meaning out of this life.im a man of simple words trying to make some sense in this world where everyone is plastics..I don’t know how success and happiness are related. I have heard people saying there is nothing like being a successful person it gives immense joy and happiness..Maybe I’m not a successful person..or how much stones I may upturn I know I will never become ones will fail in this try. I have read what Kishore Biynai had said in his latest book(IT HAPPNENED IN INDIA).success too got different meaning. Some think earning money is success, something think owing a super car is success, some think graduating from a nice college or university makes you successful, some think living his /her life for other makes him/her successful..I will stick to the last one.
Who is right and how is wrong. I don’t know who’s to believe in..but my heart sings some different song. I have my own parameters according which I wan to live. which I don’t to bleak over here.
Ok talking about happiness and success . success can’t lasso happiness. and I guess vice-versa is not even possible too. Success and happiness to me or to my life have no co-relation.is not that important to a poor like me.i have got my own Ticket to the yellow submarine. Happiness is all around us. my life will be like autumn foliage for the society and humanity...amen

desolate existence(an excrept from my novel)

Desolate existence (an excerpt from my novel) by roop k nath
One day out of blue in my office one boy may be in his late twenties named jayanta was introduced to me by our office boy named dinesh. He was wearing a half blue shirt which was quite oversized with some initial in Assamese words May it belonged to an assamese medium school. It seemed that he had got it from some family who used to give away their used up cloths as his condition was quite well and an old torn sandak sandal on his foots. Black trousers with folded hems. .one of his front tooth was quite short compared to the other .nicely combed oiled hair. Average built but eyes shoving deep meaning. Proclaimed that he was my nephew, it was too hard to understand the terminology ...a dusky appearance which may be related to a younger version of my junior brother. Same way of talking. Same gait. He looked pale but very apprehensive while talking..
`Excuse me do I know you Jayanta~I asked
` are you Dilip kalita~he said boldly
~see I have lot of work to do...come directly to the point...I am not here to give explanation to people whom concerns seems nullifying to me.~ I said with some heavy words this time though I didn’t mean to be so .
~if you are Dilip Khura then I think I know you~jaynata replied
~you --think and excuse me what made you think and khura? ~
~I’m Mukondo`s son~
~Mukondo?? ~ In total state of shock my tongue and mind got stagnant for a while.
~yes~
I had no idea how to take this condition as never before anyone from my family or from my brother side had come to visit me... a sudden chilled like feeling ran throughout my body.
~so how is Jaynata..?So he had made you come to see am I dead or alive in a casual tone I asked
~No its isn’t like that...he cares for you~jaynata
~accha, good to hear that at this late years of mine. Care... ha-ha. ~` I laughed.
Jayanta said he was here as his family was in a great trouble and nothing is throwing so he came to me. But I wanted to hear all this things from him.
~dilip koura(uncle)~that boy said
~y-e-s~ I said reluctantly as no had ever designated me by this name..It felt great
i don’t know how to react...it was a blend of joy and quarries that was blooming...
although I was happy to got a link from past...something that was faded with time..
~sit~ said
I unfolded a chair with little bit of effort as the rust had playing its game with the chair. he had a cloth bag more of a big version satchel slinging by his arm and it touched the floor as he bend down to sit. He tried to fold and placed it in his nap. the quantity inside was much which didn’t let him do that with an ease. I asked him to keep in the floor as it was quite uneasy to talk to a person who was tumbling with the stuffs and concentration was more toward that..
`It’s for you~
~o.k...first you keep it on the floor’s cant even take it in my lap.~
~he placed it~
He may be excepting another kind of expression on my face..Which I thought later after saying that...I should had thought of that before...at that time I thought like an egoistic and left thinking about that..Although he was much smaller to be in age and status...I never behaved in such way but in this case it was quite different...May be the old rage was flushed in.. The things which I left a long time back. Relation which forks a lot. still I want to do something to my brother.
~so what trouble you were referring to~
~my father is very ill~ with a heavy voice
~even I used to be. Even everyone used to be ill once or twice in a year whether it’s a sports man or a politician.whats so big deal about that.~
~he is serious .see-saw condition...a fatal disease ~jaynata eyes became moist as he said the next line.
My office colleagues over there were always ready to have an insight to such penumbra topic...its human nature I guess. So I thought office won’t be a proper place to talk about that cause people were making it too chaotic and even Baurah my colleague who shares a my opposite table had a big ear to hear what was cooking.. I asked him to follow me to the canteen.
~Baurah da I am going to the canteen..If Boro babu enquires about me just say where I am`
~ok...he is you nephew? ~baurah inquisition...
I knew he had a big ear to know everything... but keeping my calm I replied yes
~you want to come baurah?~
I wished to hear a No in return as I don’t want to have any other person interference while talking to Jay anta..Then also I asked as he had also done it many time and paid for me
~its ok...Thank you Dilip...had my lunch just now~
~anytime baurah~
The canteen was almost empty as lunch time was over and no one was much around also for refreshment’s head straight to a empty table and then Arup the canteen boy came near to me to take order..
~Two tea and what else is there for snacks.~
~cake,paratha,barphi,gajha~
~ok get me two tea and gajha~
Jayanta was looking over to the television paced over to the counter cabin…India vs. Zimbabwe..Everybody who was sitting there almost hooked their eyes to get every bit of the tube movement with cricket score to commercials...And clapping unnecessary in between and poking comments to each other’s wondered whether could read the scores displayed. By his attire and gait it seemed he couldn’t but I wasn’t sure...many of the office staff also came to get their information updates with the score and where about...how deliberate these people were from the staring of the match till the final closing ceremony awards. Why I am devoid of such .I asked to myself. Why it doesn’t concern me who losses or win...maybe God had dabble a lot of modification why writing my faith…may be he was busy in his abode so wrote it simple with simplicity...didn’t add much ingredients to spice up my life..No feeling sensors…for eg this cricket match...loll...Arup came and placed the ordered stuffs on the table...the sun mica was in the middle only most of the part were gone give a resemblance of amoeba stimulating a weird look..But we were not there for the table or the cricket match. We need to execute our purpose of coming to canteen...
Jayanta took one cup of tea and a Gajha and took a sip..I kept in untouched for few time...
~so Jaynata what is the sickness~
~I don’t know~
~what kind of son are you. Without knowing what the sickness how can you tell that he is serious`
`he coughs blood and couldn’t take food in lumps~
~did you consult any doctor~
~yes few days we came to Guwahati medical college(GMC) doctor had given a long list of tests which need needs before coming to a conclusion. Proper diagnosis is very important he said. But I didn’t went back~ he stopped saying that
~why? ~
~we haven’t done the tests yet~
~huh!! Why? ~
~taking father from hospital to city is beyond my might acute financial crisis …we can’t take him in a bus...he is too weak to properly stand and moreover the road ways are took bad...any reserving a van or SUV, UV will charges us a lot. And I don’t know how much those testing will charge... I can’t afford to pay all these if I sell myself too...the land we had was already mortgage for his initial treatment and I have no way to get so much money..Moreover no will lend me so much money...
~its not throwing though we are trying hard...you can’t see him suffering...~
~yes that true that’s why on repeated insisting from mother I had to come to you..Maybe you could help us with this plight regime...~
~I see~
~she knew where you work so she asked me to give it a try...i know I shouldn’t be here to ask for favour from you...But—you know it’s only for my father and mother... I can’t see them suffer ~
~I see~
I had no words to say to him..
~and what about your mother...~
How can I forgot the women with whom I was infatuated once was now wedded to my brother’s now thought that I could even had a son like jayanata if all that things had happened asked it not to refresh the desires again just to show about my concern about that family..I wasn’t sure whether jaynata knew about that...I wished mukondo had kept him in dark...as there is point no point digging the past..It only pain...
~she is ok...but pity is that she had even sacrificed even her little joy in caring her husband...she had not get her even a new cloths for years ..She used be in home caring her husband’s...
`ok let me see what I do for family. by the time being don’t think much. ~
~thank you~
~anyway tell me how educated are you~
~I had studied till HSLC...after that I couldn’t afford to go to college. You know money problem and all. We lot of hardship I had cleared my HSLC.after that I left studies as I had to earn. ~
~ok...Did you work after that? ~
~yes I had worked in the brass embossing plant near to my place~
~didn’t you get any official job~~
~I got but you know these day you need to give bribe the top heads to get one’s dint applied for any more jobs after that~
~anyways I hope you hadn’t mind, me asking all those questions to you~
~why should I be? ~
The story about my brother and his wife seemed a decade story, but it was aching from deep within to hear all those...this life of mine is really because of the hardship of past I was really stable in this time of my life..So it was too fathom for me to link to them again went nostalgic...i don’t know what to do...but the condition of jayanta was really moving...i was touched...though I had a consonantal disharmony had tortured me till this time . Then also I wanted to do something for them. The awe of the face of Jayanta was narrating it all too.The Verbal installation of such brutish strength forced me to ponder and do something about my brother. They were each dealing with personal issues and / or were having a bad day. With forgiveness, you create a friend, someone who is more willing to help you out in the future.
When you treat people with respect, they are much more likely to treat you the same way. Yes, there could be exception, but in most circumstances, I have found that it was never about me and more about what was happening to them at the time. His conditions were really in plight and on humanity wise I should help them...after what they had done to me...
~so when you will leave for boko tonight?~
~there wont be any buses running at this time of the day..~
I knew he had no place to go at this time and there was no point toying with him regarding all those things...it was radiating my his words... rather then following to my place he had no choice..
I asked Jayanta to stay the night with me at my place. And leave tomorrow morning. Moreover it was about to get dark...
~you want to have anything else? ~
~no~
~let`s go then~
I headed to the counter and asked for the bill. But Utpal (the owner) was in a sombre state with the cricket match to move his eyes from the tube to my face...
~how much? I asked while hit the table
He called Arup....Arup came and said 14 rupees for two teas and Gajha...i handed over fifteen and waited for the 1rupees.Again he was grooved to his interest .utpal was quite reluctant even to take and give the money..Is a match that much important than his own business I wondered...after having the moving back we walked back to my office.Baurah wasn't there when we returned. We sat again for in my cabin and started to tie-up the files and official documents...by the time I had finished...baurah was back..
`Baurah I will be leaving soon today..Please bare my work if any in my absence~
~yeah yeah sure~
~thanks~
~so a feast tonight huh! Meat or fish or both~ baurah and his laugh
All he can think about is food...his paunch was prominently scaling his love towards food...
`lets see baurah what I can get fresh in the market...fishes and meat are not good these days...~I stated with a smile..
~go to ganeshguri daily market there you will get fresh hilsa and rou.you knows. Yesterday evening after reaching home I carried a local rou for 125 rupees KG...i must tell the it was awesome...my Mrs cooked it with some Kordoi-tenga...even I had it today morning also before coming to office..My nephew came from village yesterday laden with a bag of kordoi-tenga...and vegetables... ~ baurah said
~I will surely check it out~
Baurah seems to have non-vegetable everyday from breakfast till dinner...
~what did your nephew got in his bag..Any vegetables...i can tell you what’s go good with what...~
How anyone can ask about such question .I wondered how some people can ask such with much thinking...whats this represents of one’s character. Those people who are straight-forward are good at heart or those who play with words while saying
~cucumber and some kordoi-tenga~jaynata replied
~you are saved Dilip..rou and kordoi what a combo..~
~yeah sure I will see to it..First let me go to the market~
Even I like fish a lot..I had plans to buy fish but thought to give a diplomatic answer to Baurah but couldn’t as he had already decided my menu for tonight.. We had heard his comments on the recipe touch to cook which fish with kordoi tenga in a manner which he likes it’s not the first time he did all this... I can vividly remember his buzz about foods which sucks to me but I never mentioned...
~Ok goodbye Baurah~
Jaynata hung his khadi bag slinging by his arm and we left.
I asked jayanata to leave first and I would be following him to the gate because I don’t wanted another person’s attention to us...else I had to reply them sooner or the later…as I will be like an stuff put for auction and people bidding questions..I could feel now only interested people rounding up with it seemed little bit ordered so it was ok to handle...meanwhile two three colleagues had already had their opening lines
~leaving soon today? Going home dilip da? I replied them with a fake smile..Why they don’t mind their business...
Jayanta had left and I too succeeded to elope from the office threshold. Then we walked till Ganeshguri daily fish market.
It was about to be dark so usual it was time for people to drop to shop...market was too chaotic and no wonder in pointing that out...people were all surging ahead.some stuck in the mid , some seeing the fishes ,some paying for their halves..I headed towards till the end...making sure where to get the good one but it all seemed the same...i moved to a boy whose radiance in face draw my attention rather then the fishes. He looked quite smart wearing a blue t-shirt which stated some funny slogan.
~how much~
~how much you want~
~why money varies with quantity or what? ~
~its isn’t like that dada...120 rou 110 kamal kath.130 for hilsa~
~give me some fresh hilsa then.~
~how much pieces you can make~
~15 to 16~
~fine make it 16 then~
The boy took a forked tool to clear up the top shell from the fish. Within a blink of an eye he cleared up all...
Handing two notes of hundred...The boy gave me one fifty note and two 10 rupees.
He handed the pieces in a black carry bag...we took them and moved to the bus stop...we look for the bus number 1 and boarded it..The bus was too frequent and we found no difficulty in getting one. .after that we reached Home...i opened the green grilled main gate.Lakhi was near the gate only plucking clothes from the clothesline. I introduced him to lakhi.
~where is Bapon~ i asked lakhi
~he will be in office~ she said
till then bapon havent returned back from office as it was still 5pm.Bapon was a central government employee but more of a civilian type. Central government too have civilian for doing their pheriphal works...lakhi was full of inquisition roller coaster
by the coming of Jayanta which she ran of late.
As for the first time someone from my side had came. There was chaotic disturbance in the whole ecosystem.Volanco of silent quarries were erupting inside her. Which was quite appealing, that what I derived from her gesture and her reverse gait...
she offered tea and biscuit to us. literally I didn’t like the way of offering tea in steel glasses.
It seemed so disrespecting kept mumb.jayant and I there after went to my room and talked about village
till bapon returned from office. Later he was introduced to jayanta...on moral ground he showed greeting.
What I going inside his mind was unpredictible, probably he behaved like usual days. And human nature is always unpredictable.
I thought of having a massive meal as I was joeys by the coming of my nephew..I don’t know a sweet rumination prevailed inside me..But I hardly dealt..As for now I was quite mastered to control my emotional dynamics..I went alone that evening to buy some fish, meat for dinner..Meanwhile I asked jay anta to sit in the TV room and watch so as to kill the time.bapon ad lakhi were also there. But I asked
jayanata to be comfortable,,.lakhi did start a chat with jayanta
.on the contrary she was she had a methodical approach to know the motive of jayantas coming..When I returned they were still chatting..But I hoped she had presumably collected all the information she need .I didn’t care..I handed those stuffs to lakhi and asked her to have a devouring meal for tonight.
She seemed to put a fake smile and moved unheedingly..But today she was not in a hospitable mood..That night we had a quality
meal..jayanta did add some comments..bapon said nothing but his barb meant it all..Lakhi forward a (Botha)
with beetle nuts and pan..jayanata took a piece and thanked her..after the dinner we had straight to my
room..i had a single bed..but he didn’t mind sharing..even he was too modest to do so..I asked him
about village, and those with whom I had shared my childhood,shops,schools..it was altogether a different
story as I could picture by jayantas word.jayanta told me how his father life had changed..how they had to face to get the basic amenities of life..now at this time when------was ill and they had no money, no land to mortage,no other source of hope to get help..he said his mother was quite sure they I would really turn up in this plight.
.I was really moved..I was from the beginning behind the coming of jayantya that there is really a different story behind it..but he was reluctant to ask for help, but for his family he had to..he sobbed while saying these words..
I was again afraid to tie my any relation but I was in a state of great dilemma..I asked jaynta to sleep as it was too late and them a lot of work to do that morning..I had despised all through my life my past..after 30-40 years again what life
was showing him..next morning I handed jayanta rupees 10,000..and asked him to leave now..I too handed him some of my cloths
...I took jayanta to the bus stand and waved a goodbye..jayanta did waved back..lakhi was there when I gave him 10000..then I headed to office..while returning back that evening I lakhi pointed out I should had handed jaynata those rupees..those people are no good for you..she said. this really pinched me..how my brother and his son can be categorised under the `those~..but I kept my
calm.
~~~for so long they had never cared to find out whether you were dead or alive..and now they from when no where came and made some emo stories to whirled around to seek your money..you were no Dhata karna to help them```interposed lakhi...
I got fused and could hold my calm as yelled back..
you better watch your word, before using them to my brother or towards his family ..else I am going to take that living shit out of you```i flabbergasted without a thought.
lakhi was perplexed by such rudra transformation of me and she understood my wrath and moved sulkily and left the room..
Later that night I did apologise to her for the brief account of what had happened.
~~I was concerned about you..I don’t believe you helping those people~~
~I know what is good, for me and I can deal with it~~I finished saying..
though I was not sure for my words..
..I guess that was the first incident that we had sowed of misunderstanding..but I didn’t want to spoil such a relation of 40 years..I tried not to do so and did everything to put the things back to place..despite my repeated doings something or the other did clashes..that was how a cold war blooms I guessed...lahki and bapon thought i will give all my money after my pension to my brother family
and they will get nothing..which I later came to know..but it was never discussed or talked to me..I wondered how people changes for money..Everything boils on money.

sideline man

SIDELINE MAN(ME)

i like to start this article with a very nice sms sent to me ` i will stay close to you till my
presence doesnt hurt you.i will back silently away from you,once i feel that my presence irritates
you`

i can surely tell everyone touches someones life . sometimes life colour us in so many vivid colours.that we forget that all colour got different meanings and values,which we misunderstand..sometimes we love some colours so much that we want them all thorught out our life..sometimes we are fortunate and sometimes we are not.,why some new colour becomes so important that we tend to forget the basic values and our minds keeps on thinking about them only.and how some colours, colour our fabric of life with so much depth and everlating memories..
and i know not what all these.. we should know some colour blooms and bleeds with time. some colour dont have that much of solubility parameter to gel with someones life..some sweet and pleasing colour are ephemeral and transitory,here today gone tomorrow. still we miss those colours in our life..sometimes we become so desperate that we just bloke and confess what in our mind..we sometimes cant control our sensory inputs. i dont know about others but i want to keep it simple and platonic.though i may not that lucky in colour of love and i dont want to test my mettle as a loser again and again..im much comfortable with my memories..that hurts but it is atleast better..you may say i live in a world where i am victimized by love but i am much comfortable being victimised by you..some part of me is so afraid to loose you again so i dont want to start or do anything damaging..i know you are very mellow and you had no intentions to hurt me.though i was deeply hurt and i had no one around to sublimate my pain.i choked it by myself..i can tell, it really made me pathos..
all my senses were freezed..i just couldnt think of anything else..why such feeling aroused.why heavy dose of nostalgia setted in.that distress i will never forget.i was claustrophobic-ally packed with anguish and dementia.i still remember what you said LOVE IS NOT BY FORCE..and i guess thats truth.it was my first time and i promised to myself i wont fell again in love.i cant see myself rendered catatonic again.i wont let this pain cycle repeat again.my innerself is much stronger now then peoples hymns of hatred.i have started believing in faith from now one.. sometimes we are not even sure why God has painted us with such colour. And sometimes we are mistaken too. i wish i was never painted,my default blackened heart was better. my heart that is calcified with pain will really take time to get polymerised with love or no love.i wont say you anything nor blame you(YOU) for making a mockery of out my life.i know you had no intention to hurt me. i was a dolt to fell for someone.. i am still in the infancy period of romance and always will be. loving someone and yearing for someone to love you back are two differnt thing. some are fortunate and some are not..and im the later one. sometimes only by thinking about someone or yearning someones sms to ping in your cell phone is so tangible that you can spend days thinking about them..we should be grateful always to God that he has put a nice shade of colour into ones life. people always says you will know when a right person walks into your life. but does the same thing happens to the other person. or its an mindless illusion..if its a illusion too i find it warm and tangible..i can wrap it all around throughout my life. really i dont want to leave the comfort of such feelings..
i know all the thing are not that easy to understand. people say love comes your way..i just tried to grope for lights but i failed.i want to ask is it wrong if we give it a try.is it like that i am disposing my opportunities if im true to you.i confess my mind is such a labyrinth that i really lost all my senes in loving you..now am in that stage that where im left alone..my soul is empty and hollow.but i promise that i will strive to regain your respect again .but on your part you may be true and bold to deal with the conditions..i dont want to understand LOVE again..i know how it feels..last month Cupid had played its favorite passtime game at my expenses..a expenses that is inexplicable..a feeling that is inexplicable..i believe law of attraction exists and no one is exempted.Cupid just left me cliffhanging..and i will hanged till my last breath like this in your feeling.i guess some feelings should never be unveiled..i was fool to toodle my feelings for you. i respect you for being nice and honest to me,rather than playing with me..i am gald being a sideline man.i wont ask any more favour also.i know someday you will get someone better than me,who will care for you a lot..i may not be that good for loving and i am not mouthing for some dramatic words here again
.everything just evokes memories.so im putting them in words.its time i should be pragmatic and deal with the situation.i wont ask you much whats wrong with me.i just want to see you happy..my love equation will never be solved..

( blah blah ) love is shit lol