A coffee Date ...
What does he want to know ...
That Six foot ...
Hunk ...
Dark ...
with the Eyes of a never resting Jaguar ...
Well ... He thinks he's a Off the Screen Al Paccino ...
I am No less Audrey Hepburn !!

Well .. lets meet up Guy
Its Coffee any day !!

As I walk in to the welcoming smells of Cappuccino ...
Draping my Honey tinted skin so Treasured by the southerners ..
Shielded by a shawl and Lacy Parasol ..
Walking ..when I wanted to run away ..
Saying I felt faint after a waltz last evening ..
when I could dance for two days and never get tired !!


He Pulls the chair out for me ..
A act so clumsy .. he bumps into a Chair himself !!
Even Then
Saying "How wonderful you are!"
To fool His arrogance !!

Pretending I didn't know anything
so that he could could tell me things and feel important !!
Pretending to faint.. acting empty-headed.. and coquetish !!
Silly me I should have just laughed at him


A peek of my Eye and he Giggles like a school boy !!
Says if it ever was to capture his wild heart
It was only me !!
A glitter catches my eye ..
Is it the Diamond or the Heart ??

To chase me for 90 days for a single cup of Coffee ..!!
Now acting like he got something so yearning sitting right across him !!
Now I really See him !!
Holding my heart in a catch ..
To drop my eyes downward and nibble daintily at the cookie !!
What's Happening to me ?!?!?!
Am I falling for this Guy Here ?!?!?

I laugh to make my earings dance !!
I knew how to smile so that My dimples leaped!
I tossed my head to his compliments
and swore I didn't believe anything he said!

Oh Dont let Go !!
I did manage to turn the conversation to Myself,
without Him ever realizing it !!

I Start smoothing his vanities while keeping them on a string !!

Now .. he speaks ...
I try to conceal my Knowledge
beneath a face as sweet and bland as a baby's !!
I never interupted him when he was speaking..
even when I knew more about matters than he did !!

I curbed My Temper and appeared sweet-natured!
I made Him feel like the smartest
and most special person in the whole world !!!

I did Get my Coffee
My Man
and
The Promise !!!!

Unputdownable Love of my life
Dreaded monster of my own creation
Dwelling in a warped multidimensionality
I think the hideous devil’s wife
... Penned a morbid lover’s definition

Love is happiness; Lofty school of thought
World’s most prevalent illusion
Yet pleasantly never being one excess baggage to carry
Sizzling energies inherent smelling of:
Sheer frustration and helplessness
Fruits of beautiful self - righteous delusion

Broken hearts occur in pairs and twosome
And stylised self-abomination
Darkness juxtaposed in nebulous and murky layers
plush addresses of cosmopolised Big Apple and Upscale Paris
.... which uncannily smells of of pretty pink and bloody red infatuation

Resonating supposedly, if you and I met on a bus
And struck up a Coffe table conversation
our souls qualifying for one such word picture
The rhetoric being impeccably affirmative:
I would have liked your entity and you dramatically mine, thus
Free from the poisonous bane of adulation

But I improvisedly weighed you against
A free woman’s comprehension
And you relatively failed to paint
On me a picture of diseased perfection which ensued

Pleasantries, warm gestures, subtle expressions exchanged...
Relevantly quering :
Is there anything left?
the subjective reply being :
Not even civil words of salutation
‘Cause we with mixed minds cannot leave and yet cannot stay
akin to a graphic passage one comes across a Pulp fiction etched in brilliant artistry :
Opposite trains at the same station !

i love dog-eared books

days are trolling with quite a pace. Juggling the seconds, to minutes, to hours. Some time I find myself sitting in the office desk, rest of the time I find myself soaking in the pages of old classics and contemporary writing. Last four months I might have read millions and millions of words and flipped myriad of pages,still I long to read the story I want to read, deep within I know I will read it, or maybe I will write it.

Flip-the-cart now?

Flip-the-cart now?

So, I asked to myself this morning while sitting duck at my @@@@ desk,do I really need

to conduit and bleed what I faced with Flipkart. An inner demon spoke to me`Yes`, maybe because

of its mental anguish and torment,it said so. After 2 mins, here I am to flay open my perturbed soul.

The short story unfurls like this, my ears were in a dire need for a new earphones,earlier

one was cheap and went kaput after two years. I thought to amaze my ears with some good quality

earphones in spite of me being a parsimonious creature ;as I am not much of a tech-savant or have any knowledge with electronics items for that matter ,seek help from someone(I guess that someone had distinction in Electronics Engineering). To add dismay, that someone asked me to buy it from Flipkart. I marked his words and followed it like Mosses did to God command.

On this same computer, on 1st August I opened the flipkart window and bristle through the myriad of ears phone, cheap to expensive ones. There was an avalanche of confusion that ran down, and decision making was getting cumbersome and aphasia stage is attained. I closed my eyes and found my friend`s words ricocheting, Sennheiser CX180,GO FOR IT. All the confusions fizzle out and I hit the `BUY` and in a jiffy I received some sms from flipkart --verification number ,it reads ****** and I followed all the instruction like rats did to Pan Piper.I received another message which reads, We`ve received your order and it is being processed. On 2 Aug 1:23 AM, another msg  fly’s into my inbox, silently waiting till morning for my gawky touch to read it. This new sms reads that my ordered item will be delivered by 8 Aug 2015.

I was relaxed, as it defines a timeframe. I should not be at all anxious all the time about, when will I be receiving it. Right?? But No, there was more to it, what these Flipkart people do is, they send SMS on 5 Aug 2015 morning time, stating that shipment is ready for delivery and asking me to keep Rs.938 handy, it’s the time when agitation seeps in, when will I get it???? I didnt carry that much of  cash  and I had to borrow from each human entity present at @@@@@ ,albeit everyone came to know that I have order something. But no, at evening time they send me another SMS which reads `we are unable to deliver your shippment, for any queries call us at 01246719500`.They kept the jitter whole day, alive. I could not make a call, as usual those complex number tapping and tracing plus network  busy thing!! Finally my lazy cells couldn’t bear the pain of repeated calling. I had others job, you know .Anyway, such exchange of sms from flipkart side continued for two more days, but like an angry gf I didn’t reply or called, obviously I was pissed.

And today I got a call from that guy who intends to deliver the item,"Kya aap Mr.Medu Vada bol rahe hai. "Haan Boleya" "Aap ka flipkart ka item aa gaya hai, kaal ayunga to chalega?”

"Mujhe aaj hi chahiye"  I blurted out like a pressure whistle,I guess that came out with pent up frustration or the bad ordeal with flipkart. I couldnot bunk @@@@@, I couldnot even take a half day off or go out for some meeting. I guess it`s another subtle way of torturing. But I recieved the shippement aka headphone after all.I tried it and it rocks up my filthy socks too. That’s all I had to say.

Glee!!

Names, Astral Names.

The stars whispered our astral names, I could hear mine, and rest were just rearing and receding.

I waited, to hear yours, truly I did. Billowing words plumes up, as we indulge in romanticism .

The half eaten moon shivers and the dim light blotches, I could see the stars shining, like tinsels, wrinkling slowly, naughtily teasing us.

A spreadsheet hammock, where the stars could narrate the tales of me and you.

And the lonely moon shy away, in the company of the myriad of stars. The purity and the piousness

that it holds, make it divine and beloved, blessing us in times and beyond.

Life of a cloths-peg!

Just a cloths-peg!! 
Put him outdoor, in the rain, in the sun, he wont  grimace,that`s what you think of me. Whole day, night left outdoor, alone.Did I even complain, did I even twitched. I may not be as posh or suave like those been sold in the super malls, they are for the rich,maybe for nouveau richie, yeah the wooden ones, designers one. But, what happened to you, you are still a poor man, just because I lost one of my feet, doesn`t mean I am kaput. 
"No, I am no more poor" he said.
"Ha!, you aint poor, what you call a guy who owns only two undies, and that too weary ones with through holes?"
"Yeah,yeah, I will buy some new ones, that too expensive ones" he protested in defense.
"Will you keep me then" 
"Hmmm" He produced that.
Just a hmmm for all these days bond. I lost one of my leg just because of you, the brutal sun rays have taken a troll on me, paralyzed me.  The UV some mechanism that eat away the plastics.
Have a little shame, I have smelled the filthy undies that you used hang, I was forced to grasp them, did I even protest, no I didn`t. I have hold thicker blankets, that too dirty ones, it was beyond my jaws size still I stood, I took it with a smile. Now, I am being thrash. 
Fine, I will digest that too, I will sit somewhere and introspect about it, human are mean and spineless.

She felt..

She felt like a six years old again, yet being drooping like an old plume. I could see a new spark beguiling with joy. She walked on the grass lane with bare foot, grass tips with dew, like morning pearls, awaiting to be touched and felt. She felt like the world to be her oyster, ready to experience it with her full novelty and conviction, unafraid of  spiny shrubs that may pen her nor of the rocky tiny pebbles on her way. She felt free, spirited. In her, she could  feel the untamed soul trying to reach for a new life in an old body. She looked at the leaves and stopped there, collecting different leaves from earth she would put them one over another;aligning them, she would again look at the tree, with inquisitions in her eyes. How leaves from the same tree can  have different and varying size, why would someone  design it so, she doubts its creator, she wanted an answer, she didn't speak, but she wanted him to put in test, like most of the time he did to us, he would test our patience and strength. Some says he wanted to strengthen us, sometime we did cope up the endurance, sometime we failed too, during some it even broke us from within, like what happened to her , when those guys smeared her life with stench,she didnt shed a tear, she turned into stone, she wasn't the same person since, yet he(creator) played a mute character. When he will learn and be a better father, when he will educate himself, that we all are different like those fallen leaves...

## Words

Words were so unprepared when I thought of writing to you, I went blank, found myself pounding hard with a numb sense that`s cribbed me.
Now,I try to taste the time frame when we were together.Since the day we chummed our paths apart, you reached miles, while I was still at the locus.I founded self so left out,could hear constant loneliness. 
Intertwined in your mesh of softness,sometime we know
things are not going to be the way it was, yet heart finds its sorely bitter to trade it. Memories always remained soaked, restringing remnant of sweetness and  contempt. I never intended to bracket you in my criticism, neither would  I hit you with words that may make you as a hypocrite. I just want to spend the rest of life imagining, lying on the ground moving fingers, drawing arbitrary shapes to the black hammock sky,every night, trying to envelope the moon with hands, I know it wont be the same like it used to be.
I could sense,  never will I  be able to connect the stars, how many it may be in number, you will always be missing among all, you were the dearest.
I am at an ease now and words could find a way to conduit, feelings emoting, oozing out the pain, the pain I inhaled. I feel so stolid,but there is still a ruffling. My heart is still in a turf floating to reach your esplanade, this time I am not letting it to sail away. Who will take care of it once it is shattered like a crystal ball, I wont be  able to collect the broken pieces of self, neither I will be able to see it sniveling in pain.
Sometimes, it feels like alright to breathe in when you know the air around is impure,yet not fatal.
Sometimes it fine to test our austerities.
Sometimes loving self, caring for self or prioritizing self is not such a band thing at all. How much I may not feel cast out, my words will always sublimate me in its fleecing warmth and let me peek for
a ray:a hope.

Vacuity

The world is flawed and how do you accept something perfect out of it,assume me.
They ask you to see the better side, a better future,but they never help you to shed out the darkness
inside . They may try sometime,but that's not helping,seriously. They are from this secret society, they are one
who confabulate and nettles me. They are the one who defile my judgement, cause they claim themselves to be part of it.They are the bricks, painted with bright colors, hiding their decays ethics, values, showing all together a different picture.
"They" ;all my life, I am trying to fight  "they" rather then seeking for a light. If"they"is not allowed to interfere, possibly I will find myself,holding the light source, brightening this world, with wisdom and with care.
"The vision may seems so delusional at the inception,the staggering labor of each day;how much it may seem tiny or frivolous. Keep the pace, walk on the road forged by your heart, keep talon-ed to the light, your perseverance will take you there, you will shine.

No Pride

Flaming denial, hits me like shrapnel

A shame that reeks;numbing my senses.

I turned to combat the failed me...

The conflicts, and the war zone I built inside my head.

Pages that are rustic now, which guided me

I tend to have lost myself,

Stolid views are daub with rufescant powder

dreams bolted out

Trembling in trepidation...

Channeling to a system, cryptic.

a Palsied existence..a de-manufactured being.

dark??

Self-Poisoned

I can feel the synergy that rushes inside me everyday.
The fragile art of surviving
Fighting each day, each second with self.
I quietly breathe the effluvium of the brunt me.
Inch by inch obliterating the person who I was.
I walk through the ruins,all charred cognitive.
Cyanide Christ thriving on me.
Marshalling to chafe all, to make I a new man.
So determined,so obstinate.
To led a life like others.
Not trying to think about the fragments, that was once me.
I plagued them all.
Solitude scares me,
I seek chaos,a new order dissonance.

:'(

I was in a comprising position.  I couldn't say, I couldn't defend. I felt it deep,when he put his tool inside of me.I was there lying supine, I failed to act. He even drugs me consciously , this time I tried to protest, but he said it will make the pain go away, I trusted him. He later drilled me, kept on drilling, till my cup was full. He asked me to spit, I obeyed him like a slave. I made some arbitrary hand gestures, he understood, he let me catch up a breadth. He obstinately kept on drilling. This time non-stop.
I was totally numb, I felt afraid. I tried to close my eyes, he asked me to keep it open, he said else I will start visualizing something else. I wondered,will it stop me from thinking about my mouth, or he gonna put a muzzle to spice up the act.I was totally submissive, I kept it wide open. He used different tools later, he inserted them one by one, from smaller to bigger ones.I saw them all.
My tongue didn't interfere with his operations. Tongue might had felt lonely too, like I felt that evening on his chair. Or may be it feels lonely all the time among other tooth, I didn't think about it all these while.
It felt helpless too like I did, by what the dentist was doing to his friend `teeth`  :'(

#22/5/15

22nd May(May not be).Forced to be a gemini.

22nd , born in a vacuum.
My body was out for scrutiny.
Gods came down, solved some complex equations.
Juggled me between zodiacs.
After sometime I was thrown,
Someone yelled "Put him in a Gemini Box"
They strapped me,
There I was,cellophane tapped,helpless...
Forced into a shoe-box, packed.
I was delirious too,
Next morning I didn’t know where I was,
Smelt something strange,
Maybe it was a hospital ward.
I didn’t complain.
After so many years I think, I should have.

Cascade and the effervesces.
 Lighting up the dark corners.

Fabled stories...scuttling and lurking, to shy......

 People murmuring....

love winged up: of our love.

The cosmos felt like attached, a feeling of togetherness

With a melody, cadence in the universe.

Stars pell-mell, to listen to us.

As lips volubly meets....

Sky spreading itself, with beautiful confetti.

Yet we lie naked in our truth..........

The pique of pain I am damned to breathe, I inhale and exhale, it just goes it and rot the lungs inside of me. I tried hard to expel it,  but the pain grows and burgeon.The air reeks of the rotten human bonds, values. The hope is being vanquished and slewed.
I am feeling so weak, so out of sap. I could visualize the broken images, daubed with filth,but I can`t find myself in it anymore. All the memories are forlorn, dampened.
 My stories, I wrote, with all the wrong words. In the silence, it did create a meaningless liber and in chaos it hide itself, to frightful, to scared to unfurl itself, words writhing in pain, sobbing. My stories find themselves alone,maybe lost in the  humdrum of deafing shrills of people. Sccumbed many years back, now it tries to run
 away from all. The heart of the story now only tires to sing the rural songs, in the trodden lane it tries to walk alone.
The fading line of insanity and the dark shade of truth and in between I could find myself trapped, willowing in a subtle pain.
How much it may be inflict,still I need to keep the smile on my face,
its a demand, you can call it a way to show how brave I am. Somethings you can emote,some you cant.......

I try to  manage an open mind. I read, read anything, good,bad, everything. It leads to a war, that reckons inside, raging with fury, blurring the thought patterns, yet I seem to be okay from outside. Managing my inner demons and guiding angels. It’s a fatiguing thing to do,indeed.

The shadows of a flame seems flickering when the wind blows. The wick of the lamp seems ugly, all hasten; when the flame lit off and a dark plumes soars, its more uglier. It is sometime good to put a hand as a jacket and save that flame, at least we can enjoy the shapeless silhouette, black yet fabulous. Life needs to be trimmed, sometimes  from the tides or ferocious waves,we all need to feel protected sometime in life, until we are safe,just to enjoy the land, to reach a far way land with tales to share, with stories to lived for.

Rational

Time has seen heroes,villains,losers. It has transformed lovers to poets,
sick men and rational thinks into transgression,patriots and revolutionist. Time has seen changes, changes for good or bad, some of them are massive ,some are infinitesimally slow,yet it’s a change. It has seen some of wise men making unwise decisions,and fools becoming king,but like a mute spectator it watched.It sometime instigate my anger,forcing me to grab it by hands and rattle him up,slew it until it awakens.
Forcing to take a role, to act, to bring down the decaying society.

State of non-being.

Feeling weak can`t be put along with adjectives of vices. Its natural to feel so,weak,broken; when you find the world turning cold to you.When you realize, the shield you holded for so long,is heavily now,at times when the wield slips away from your grip. You feel like begging,you feel shattered, to death.When loved one departs; times when the richest kings becomes a pauper. Such is the law of life and death, you are bound to feel weak,sometimes.

It`s all right to feel non-being,sometimes.

19/5/15

Voices inside your head, you put them to sleep now.They are weary.You poisoned the old you.You slowly let it helm down,when did you killed the youth,and the vigor. You have forgotten the old you. You, are rustic now.Ruptured, and deliriously of the rosy life you are living,married, father to kids, still you long of that you in you.  Years you have passed, deluding, slipping  it to the sand of time, on the other covering your desires.Burying it by seconds,minutes,days, month and years into the avalanche of the ticking clock, choking self by day and night. Asking the same redundant questions to self,did I worth living, did I make it big.The answers, you already knew.Its resonating inside of you..NO..No..Slowly it intensifies,amplifying, deafening you.You hide in the shadow, trying to act quite,to blend in,but its late now,you can`t pacify for the false life you lived.Long time, the discussion with your self was over, it was just the final call.You lost a battle,you failed to prove yourself.

Ugly.Weird.Callous.

I open the tab and plug myself in.

An internal maze, to obfuscate the head.

Social network, ain`t helping much in socializing .

A new bridal outfit, or a sponsored trip to foreign land,picture uploaded.

I ain`t liking.

We scroll the pages, we  overlook most of it.

A beautiful image.

A beautiful life.

Sufficed with rasp ugliness, to fuck with my head.

Sitting alone, internet a portal to a weird world.

Unknown people, unknown lives floating around,

Ugliness decrepit as I open the same page of life,

again and again.....

kid

A chewed bubblegum, chewed again.

Piquancy with a gaunt look.

How to make a kid from stop doing that, a challenge.

Trying to be an activist of some kid,

Tried cheery with a obtrude stem, beautiful, picture perfect.

Yet, brat won`t eat that.
Rubbing the mucus out of his nose,pulling it in,
He finds the utmost delight.

Humungous effort drains and died

Like the juice from the chewed piece of gum.

He could ruminate it whole day.

He likes it more than a cow like its grass.

Slapping and opening his mouth, won`t solve the matter.

Better get me a new gum, bleuggah!!!