ranting about my whole existence

`leh le ke jau kiya?` he asked
`Bhag yeh se,dus minute badh ana, abhi bottle khali nahi huwa hai~ Seemanta Da said
~wait guys, don`t be so sharp on this little kid~ i said
`Yeha ana` i said
`Mein` that little kid startled
`Let him go dude, why are you bugging him` seemanta da said
`Wait guys am just asking him his name` i said
` kiya naam hai tumhara?`
`Arjun` he said
`arjun . pura naam kiya hai?`
`Arjun Singh` arjun said
`toh arjun raat ke 10 baje tum yeha kiya kar rahe ho. Tumhe to ghar mein honna chaliya na` i asked
`Pitaji ne kaha hai beer ke khali bottle jama karne ko.`
`lekin kiyo`
` taki pitaji kal ko yeh bech sake` arjun said
I don’t know what to say to Arjun. Really i was at a dry spell. Neither he had anything to say to me.Arjun was looking at me or was he looking and gauging how miserable I was at that time. Seemed his innocence was rummaging for humanity inside me as he was looking at me. Or was I thinking a lot. Maybe..What I was doing at that time, I felt so paralysed at that time. Devoid of all sense ,like so static. Like all the things around, all the words spoken were juxtaposing to avail some sense to the ambience. A thing which was true and seamlessly All stuffing gulps of beer making my head to object. So shameless I was. Why we breathe. Why we live? Each things into my hollow mouth seemed like i was eating and squandering someone’s hard toiled money. And i was idling and guzzling. I went to tread on the lane nostalgia. What i did as a kid? Yellowed mark school sheets, spool of mothers love and fathers care. I was fortunate. Being still from the absurdities of life as my father maintained life which was so upside down. I am still procrastinating the value of this existence. I couldn’t look at Arjun eyes that night. What could i say? I couldn’t show sympathy. So I didn’t say a word. This was our game. Life is a game. Everyone have to play for some the rules are much harder compared to us. After all we play. Some win after losing a lot while some lose after winning a lot. We managed to get good education, and many more allays. While we sometime fail to gain love, life . Still we play. Whole life in hope of gaining. we depend on others to gain what’s impending . We make new relation, we forget old relationship. In delving love and life. We play. We play with feeling s.
it will happen all over again again and again. I remember when i was a child and i used to on top of piles of dirt in my Saturday white school uniform clothes and mouthed tiny strategies under our parents' watchful eyes. How they used to scold us and wash them for us. Now all the innocence is gone. As i sat on the parapet by the beer shop i could feel the tiny water droplet streaming down by grip. I was so pensive. I lived my life. While arjun is still a toddler on the walk of life and for him life is just so difficult. He roams and by nocturnal hours he gathers empty beer bottles. Whole day he is busy dilly dallying. And as a kid i used to do the same on schoolyards .we were an army of grass throwers that surrounded bullies and teachers. We even wasted our childhood but we were mentored well. We didn’t know at that time that we were doing all this for something . Something like connecting the dots. Life can only be understood when we look back . In reverse it becomes so easy to connect the dots. But in the end we all say we are not happy. When we were children we scribbled little plans on pieces of scrap paper. What we wanted to be when we grow up. We were so aimless yet we were so happy. Each day we were so pious, each day we were so devoid of jealously. All we cared about making friends and playing. Now as we are grown up and our tiny games have converted into building giant talking machines. Making new plans. Buying new home. Buying new things to make our life better. Are we really making our life better? . or we are pushing ourselves unknowingly to more into a state of illusionary happiness. How old paper cutting of super heroes and cartoon out of old newspapers and comic strip are now replaced by scientific journal and collage degrees but then also we are not happy..And how empty shell of coconut are replaced by empty beer bottles. Still we are not happy. We planned to run away from this life . we plan vacations but what whom were deceiving. When we were children we built the tiniest cities out of sand so we could break them and build all over. But we were happy . Now we dream to live in big cities to make ourselves happy. We still complain . Our disgruntling attitude will never be content. in Oder to gain something we need to learn how to sacrifice but we don’t wanna put ourselves in much trouble. We want everything at an ease. We all live a life of delusion. We are all self deluding souls. We see what we want to see. Tired and scared, we don’t wanna scratch the normal diagrams in the dust to find a meaning. We don’t wanna dirt our hands. We’ve really lost our maps which could navigate us to the destination of so called life. We listen to stupid television which is running when nothing is free. We watch social drama. But we don’t have time to listen to the humming of tiny birds. Chirpings of home sparrow and recite to ourselves to their songs . We forgot our childhood. What we wrote when we were, once, children. How we used to watch those moments we so much curiosity. How come we are so changed person now? What wrong. The less we know the more happy we were. As I streamed down beer all i could hear was reminiscing whispers of my childhood days. But at the same time all I could hear was wrinkled breaths of this guy standing next to me, and many more photographs of numerous such kids like Arjun. Coming out of me like shrapnel and hitting me.
As i up my head i can see many small kids are waiting by many people who were drinking their beer standing.some on their bikes. And some sitting next to us. These kids are like little scavengers who are waiting like voracious to devour the cadaver. And arjun was like our scavengers, it’s like pre booking the empty bottle from the person who is drinking it. So arjun was waiting next to us so that he can collect these empty beer bottles for us. I was not sure about why he is so interested in gathering empty bottles from us. But arjun said his father used to sell these bottle for money. He collects these bottle form different people. After little of enquiry i came to know that for each empty bottle his father will get 2 rupees and arjun use to collect like 30-40 bottle every night. He waits and collects bottle till mid night. For dinner he used to eat nothing. His father used to pick him for home late night. His father works in a nearby local beer bar. We guys used to go to a bar for our beer or use to buy it from this job and we use to guzzle it in room. But drinking ,standing next to a wine is a new thing for us. And for this we encountered Arjun and his side income source. Its a great revelation for me so far. I don’t know we opted to drink in this beer shop. This place is like inside bit and many people don’t venture near to it. Its kind of dark and kind of filthy. The place is wafting with stench as it was near to a local daily fish market. To add more this place had hell lot a mosquitos. But we opted . We just had one beer each and we were like three guys. This place sucks and pimping. Of course cheap liquor and ranting complains about own personal lives everyone wants to know do . There is a very sleazy side to it. Whole day we complain about life and crow about other people..we raise a person to the sky and then we hit back. We bitch about other people was really exhaust right now and i can read a sign what life wants to show me . i am sick of self deluding my whole existence. After a while I was all gloomy.
`tum kiya school nahi jate` i said
`nahi` arjun said
`kiyo? Tumhe padhna acha nahi lagta? ` i said and frowned
` nahi acha lagta` Arjun said
`kiyo. Tumhare pitaji tumhe school nahi bejhte kiya?
` mein pahle gaon ke school mein jata tha, aur mujhe yeh ke school mein dakihla nahi mil raha kiyo ki mere pass certificate nahi hai.` Arjun said
Hey roop let him go na. Why are you bragging him . he said na he don’t wanna study. So what’s the point of telling him that? See he is so lucky that he don’t have to study. Plus we should not force anyone to do what he doesn’t like. `` My friends said.
How can a little kid of age 9 years decides for himself that he want to study or not. And on the other we guys who are educated are saying why to enforce studies upon someone who don`t want to study. What’s education means after all. I don’t know what’s the difference lies between us. I don`t know what i used to do when i was of his age. I may be happy at that time. Even he is happy. Do education from a top grade universities like Stanford, Caltech ,kellog ,Tuft..Promises you happiness? At the end of the day what the purpose of this existence. All wants to be happy . We finished our bottles and gave those empty bottles to that guy. We grabbed few more bottles and we guys started to talk. Crowing about our parents and society. Somehow or the other we are enmeshed to this society.a lot of things are there that don’t mince with me. But i have to live. Reason i don’t know. I am superior to Arjun from every angle. I am in better position. But why i was feeling more miserable then before. It seemed as if i have become more selfish . more concerned about the things that bothers me rather than mulling over what`s real. I had 700 bucks in my wallet. I thought of giving that money to Arjun but i didn’t. I abstain myself. From what i don`t know. I knew if i would have given that money it would have made no difference in my life. But would that money would have brought any change to Arjun life. I think no. Somehow or the other he would have finished or his father would have. If i give money to poor people will call me a kind hearted guy and if i ask why they are poor, people around will think am a communist.
There are times in my life where i really forget what real education means. As a kid i always learned to love each other, to be kind to people around. Am i really implementing what i was been taught. How will time the value and objective of education changes. Now a days i study to get a degree so that i can earn money. And as a kid we were been taught so that we can inculate values. Why we had subject in school. I have learned many things as a kid. But i don`t remember anything being selfish . From where these desires imbue inside me. How desires still brewing that more i spend time with books and education. Its not a real education. We are getting educated to earn,not to enrich values. We are becoming misthropies as more educated we are becoming. Not necessary. The more desirable we are becoming..