Discreet

22.12.2011 time-11.00 pm

I do speak with tongue and i do think with my mind .I don’t know why this line is churning inside my head. I am a lost song. I am a boy who will cry all night and yet face you with a smile the next morning. I am the boy whose heart is too full. I am the river always touching you and not ever making you wet. I am blocked, I am unsought and my life story is underneath wraps. I live second-hand; I live in a parallel reality and anxiety. I write what i feel .I speak truth. I speak the right things but then, they don't matter. I am too lost for my own good and these pages i fill are an attempt to immortalize transience. Seek at your own pace. Sometime i ask myself what word will describe me the best. I can only think of `DISCREET`. Next moment am i really discreet ? or am just a guy who doesn`t know himself better. Who is lost in his own trajectories. I will try to redeem myself. Really. Some people demands a lot. When I don`t speak it means a lot of things are going inside my head. I observe you. I know what you want. I do abjure but i know that`s not what you expect in return. I got my own limitations. How much i may not try i will not fall in those quicksand endeavors. And I don’t want to blame myself for all these. I not afraid to get close to people. i know one day everyone is going to leave me and i will be all alone. Part of me will be a scapegoat for managing and harm did to my other half. I got my own dogma and i need to protect them at any cost. I am too fragile for emotions. Whatever......i don`t wanna play those abysmal tricks

23.12.2011 time-1.00 am
I just resumed my current read Beatrice and Virgil and started playing Janis Jolpin `little girl blue`. I’m inclined to this song. Every time I listen to this track I feel pep. And this book is by Yan Martel, a new book by this awesome writer.i guess last year only he realesed this book. His usage and syllables do demands extols. A good new age contemporary writer. It’s his second book which I am reading, I have read `life of Pi` a long time back like 5 or 6 years , it was really a good read. This book is about a gujarati boy who leaves pondicherry and how adversity of life made him a saviour. How hard days and hard nights shaped him. A book about life, survival and other things .what we become when adversity mock its beck. Anyway I am not here to daub my posting threadbare with a book review. It`s 1.12 am and my room is occupied with many friends and the ecosystem of my room is quite good. It’s a typical scene. I call my room- a pocket edition of dharavai .My roomie sneh is watching some video on laptop ,while kunal is lurking lol. Whatever crap i am writing and he is not even batting his eyelids and he think am not aware of it. And now he his flaunting a evil grin as he is reading me.:P Now everyone have changed their locations. Ayush is groping for some movie on DC++ ,always doing it after he got his new laptop ,he always rummage for movie so that he can vent it on his system. A good bloke from heart and i like talking to him. A guy who always talks about life and inspiration but fails miserably to explain all that to me. So he never cares or dare to fish out such information to me. I just fill his dermal with more confusion. He doesn`t know much. What i like about him is his hunger for knowledge. For all these vary reasons i call him `ROBIN SHARMA~. Sneh is busy fiddling kunal`s ipad (the villager).i don’t know why he named his ipad as `the villager`. And i am still busy typing on my laptop.*changing the track to Indian ocean kya maloom*. I am quite sloshed now and i am feeling good ,how my head is feeling the anomaly of this rum effect .munificence escalating and nullifying all my trouble. I am quite pensive and i can write. I am yawing like anything and still i don`t want to tuck myself inside my bed. My brains cells are working and my imagination is running wild. I am in all moods to write. I don’t know what to pen down though. Writing crap like always. hmmm.okay fine let me write something which i wanted to write from few days back but i could muster up my time, life was juggling me. Time was woozy .Anyway.
*laptop shutdown*
Today a holiday. I woke up like at 7.30 and i devoured b`fast and again slept till 10 am. I didn’t know why my lazy bones were perfectly blending with my skin. I slept. After while i read that book by yan martel. * background song the who`s substitute is blaring from Pluto guitar amplifiers* oh god i am too sleepy now.*slept whole day*
25.12.2011 time-4.15 am i am still awake, i tried hard to sleep but i couldn’t . My head is heavy and the befuddled head of mine is splitting. Morning after at this time lol. Fuck for sure morning after lol
Pre evening 24.12.2010 with amey and vaishali i went to Leopold cafe and bar . i spend some quality time with them. When it comes to friends, more is definitely merrier. When am around i talk a lot but i know how to maintain that aura of enigma about my character. I talk a lot still i say nothing *flaunting my peptie hehe*.Leopold is a cool bar . The ambience was awesome. First song that they were playing when we entered was` follow me` by uncle cracker. Second track was `by the way` from RHCP and i guess after that they played complicated, the cranberries, iris,Robbie willams,led zeppelin,Robbie willams. After that i got no clue what they were playing . i was kinda inebriated by then. I guzzled couple of beer . bam YEAH!!!!!!! we ordered two pitcher and vaishali drank something something *no idea what was it but she finished it fast as far i know* . and ate 80% of the French fries :P. *she was like mein kiya aisa baithya rahoon?*.lol we said u can eat everything ,just leave the ceramic plate. before coming to Leopold ,we went inside a art gallery . The painting were by nazia and archana . i liked one painting which was about vedhei (sita `s other name which was given by one sage). Basket series were also good. One was on womanhood.Rest i don`t remember. And we had to travel a lot by bus and plus some feet muscle exercise too. After that we reached colaba. By 8.30 pm we returned back. Vaishali got us red x-mas caps/hood (i will keep it as a souvenir) i was pretty high by now. i had dinner and i started reading that novel Beatrice and Virgil . i was not feeling sleepy at all.
I got a book from Avhinash . First time in m my life i met someone who is into Jaggi Vasudev . he is from Coimbatore. and he is a votary who devotes his time in seeking the teachings and value of spirituality. I liked talking to him. We had a good chat about karma yog , how to understand body and mind ,life and death.. I was new to him and the word he uttered really enlightened me.even the darkened cell of my brain could feel the effect of his words. But it was hard to focus cause i was drunk. I got some better understanding. i eloped from his room as it was getting late . And it not prig to disturb anyone such hours. He got some books on Buddhism and on jaggi vasudev. I took jaggi vasudev wala book and i read half. Mystic Musing
Seeker`s predicament-
From muses and mystics you did hear ..Seeming to be the sound of phantom –lands.In ignorance`s bind,life like phantom seems
Oh,creature of surface ,the depth of life will seek you ever seek. `~ Sadhguru
From teenage i was drawn to the word `spirituality`,cause i always know some is there which guides us. Our mind,our soul, our body. What make them sync. What are the cogwheels that make them function? experiencing yourself beyond the physical is what we`re referring to as spiritual. When i say spiritual ,don`t think it is going to a temple .Don`t think it is about praying for this or that. If you look at your prayers, ninety –five percent of the prayers in the world are all about either asking for something, fundamentally asking for protection, or for being taken care of. There is nothing spiritual about it, it is plain basic survival. In most people ,the very basis of prayer is fear and insecurity. If prayer exists in your life as act only ,it is obscene, being reverential towards one aspects and not being so to everything else. If you become prayerful, that`s wonderful,and if you`re using an act of prayer towards becoming that quality ,that`s fine.Now if you`re routing your survival through the heavens,that`s very stupid. Even worms and insects take care of their own survival.So when i say spiritual.I am talking about you beginning to experience that which is not physical .Once this spiritual dimension is alive ,once you start experience yourself beyond the limitations of the physical and the mental,only then there`s no such thing as fear .fear is just the creation if an overactive and out-of-control mind. As i read more i came to know about human values. How much of the anxiety comes into our life from relationship. As we live in this world we have to face such complex interactions. We are not exempted from it.
Why there are cliché in all relationship. Because we fail to understand the limitations, the possibilities ,the needs and capabilities of that person. And most of all it’s the Ego. I know i got hell lotta ego. I need to kill that vice from me. so we should enhance the understanding level to such a point that we can look beyond people`s madnesss also. We should`nt make a deal with anyone. Only devil makes a deal with everyone. The most important thing in life is to be happy. It can drive us to infinities. If we don’t sleep or eat less, we can still have endless energies. He talks about the power of yoga. How to activiate inner energies in such a way that our body,mind and emotions function at the highest peak. Yoga and how they are related bhakti yoga,gnana yoga,karma yoga,kriya yoga.
*stopped typing*
Its 2011-12-25 time 08.22 pm i am hungry and i am listening to my fav song `If i could` by lucid recess, and no one is around. I was getting bored and i can`t find anything to put my hands on or maybe nothing is so cajoling and appealing to me. I switched on my laptop and started playing some songs. Errr!!!!!!!! I am still bored. All these while i am been guffawing and kind choked with pangs of irksome. I round up at munna for schezwan to hilt my hunger. Really i was slumped with many guys from other branches at munna. Whishing merry Christmas to everyone. I was getting fuzzy probing and prying these to so many guys. The place demanded it, it had to crystallize some words to them else they will again sobriquet me a lout. I dunno how to say am just a discombulated soul obsessed with weirdest things. I dunno i become easily withered by their talks. Why on earth anyone wants to talk about other people and back bitting. God i tried to jog my head to other things but i can`t. So i left asap.

* i am bored*